DAMNATION, INC.

    When it comes to jobs, I think there are very few I’m above taking, as long as I just get paid. Or that’s what I used to think.

My first job was at a fast food joint, only I got fired because apparently Heelys “are not suitable work attire”. I wore a corn dog on my hat, but the Heelys were inappropriate. Right.

I went on to work at Walmart, but I quit after cleaning the bathroom once. Rather, trying to clean it. I still wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares about the things I saw in there.

Needless to say, I haven’t been very lucky with jobs, and one night I hit an all-time-low when my dinner consisted of guacamole and a singular bean.

When I woke up in the morning, my fridge was empty, and so was my stomach, but my mailbox was full. I discovered an envelope in the pile with my name handwritten on it. There was no return address, but I was too tired to really notice or care. It smelled like despair, which I didn’t recognize at the time. Thinking back, however, that’s what it was. Funny thing, you wouldn’t expect despair to have a smell, but it does. I would describe it as a little like your high school locker room, the DMV, and cherry cough drops.

I didn’t feel despair when I opened it, though. Okay, maybe I screamed like a goat when it emitted a tormented wail, but then I thought, Oh, it’s just one of those singing cards! Or screaming! Must be a new trend, pranking hapless, unemployed college students…

It was somewhat disconcerting. Nonetheless, I'm a little sluggish in the morning so I didn't really care. I pulled out the letter.

Dear James Florence, it read, and I wondered why on earth they didn't just use a different pen instead of this one that had splattered red ink everywhere, Looking for a job? Seeking opportunity? This summer, Don't Miss Out! Join our agency of millions today! Great pay. Internships. Employment. Career building! Receive benefits, learn a trade, make friends. 100% not shady business operations! Our corporation may be entitled to have eternal dominion over your mortal soul should you not comply with the parameters of your occupation.

“Do they think I'm stupid?” I muttered. “What kind of idiot would turn this down?” There was an address on the back. I figured I would stop by on my way to get groceries, which would probably be a jar of peanut butter and a cucumber because that's what $6.72 can buy you.

It turned out that the building was a small office space with dark violet anemones in pots outside. Inviting. I stepped inside and was met with air conditioning that slapped me in the face like my ex. Not so inviting. I’ll never understand why businesses try to replicate an Antarctic environment in the summer. Maybe they’re secretly penguins? It would make sense, businessmen are always wearing black and white.

The room had that same odd smell of despair, as well as a few more potted plants and a fish tank with a mini replica of the Krusty Krab sitting on the bottom. Pretty normal for an office.

“Can I help you?” There was a woman behind the front desk with a wide smile and terribly drawn in eyebrows. I tried not to stare at them too much.

“Yeah, I, I heard this place could help me maybe get a job?” I said, presenting the letter. I was sort of surprised that my fingers hadn’t turned blue, it was freezing in there.

“Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Florence.” I wasn’t so tired anymore and I was starting to get suspicious about this whole thing. How did she know my name? She couldn’t see it on the letter, could she? I was standing too far away. “Just take the elevator down the hall to the ninth floor.”

“This building doesn’t have nine floors,” I noted.

“Down,” she replied, still smiling. I wondered how it was possible for a human to have that many teeth. “The ninth floor, down. Have a nice day.”