Super Associated

Tuning

I hadn't really expected Francis to make his presence known on the show. It was a throwaway comment, not an actual invitation, but suddenly, there he is, walking through the studio just seconds before a song ends and we're due back on the air. Even Chelsea looks panicked when he rolls a chair over to the table, puts the spare headset on and adjusts the microphone so that it's level to his mouth. I stare at him, hoping that he'll look my way so I can tell him to bugger off but his gaze is fixed on the middle distance and he doesn't meet my eyes at all. 

"Francis-"

"Just do it," Francis tells Chelsea when he senses that she was about to talk him out of it. "Romilly's right. There are two sides and we may as well hear mine. She's been put on trial, as she said, so I should go through it, too."

Chelsea nods and when the song comes to an end, she brightly addresses the nation. She teases a surprise to the listeners but before she gets down to that, she wants to hear more from them about their experiences. Have any of them had a no strings attached relationship? Has the countless dating apps contributed to the hookup culture? Do they think that they could have a longterm relationship with someone after they met when one of them slid into the other's DM? 

Not caring enough to listen, my focus was on Francis and the fact that he was next to me. I'd said some unkind things tonight, things that perhaps should have been said behind closed doors, but here we were, about to air even more dirty laundry in public. Now that he was here, was he going to admit the part he's played in how we've ended up here? 

Chelsea ended a call and turned to both Francis and me, nodding in warning. "Earlier, we were talking with Romy and she suggested that maybe her super associated guy should come on the show and give us his side of the story. I'm both nervous and excited to say that we are now joined by... well, do you want to go ahead and introduce yourself?"

"Good evening, my name is Francis and I've been in a relationship with Romilly for just over two years," he says, making me frown at his use of the word 'relationship.' I opened my mouth to refute his statement but before I could, Francis continued. "Although, technically, we're not in a relationship. Everything that Romilly has said so far is quite right but I think I need to set the record straight on some aspects. I've been listening and those of you who have criticised her for leading me on, she has never done that. I've known from the first day what her expectations of me were."

Why was he being so nice about this? Where was the anger?

He sighs heavily and drops his head, shaking it slightly. "I'd hoped that over the years, she would change her mind and that's why we're here now," he continues. Ah, now we're getting to the real reason we're here. Sitting back, I watch as Francis turns his chair slightly so that he can look at me, finally, his blue eyes locking on mine. If I was expecting to see anger or hurt, I was disappointed. All I saw was sadness and regret and it made my stomach twist. "I've been in love with Romilly Taylor for one year, three months, two weeks and six days. I've tried to be the guy you wanted me to be, never complaining about the ghosting, the cuffing, the snack pack, the zombieing and the no strings attached deal but now, I've reached the point where I want more."

Looking away, I drop my gaze to the floor, knowing that this was ruining everything. We'd had a good run and our time together had been fun but I couldn't have been any clearer: I don't want a relationship. 

"The problem is, she doesn't," Francis says. The sadness in his voice was heartbreaking. Any other woman would probably change their mind about ditching someone as wonderful as Francis- because he really is a great guy- but I'm not any other woman and I hate that about myself. "I've always felt like there's a reason that she's hot and cold, that she's vague about her feelings. I've been with her long enough to know how she really feels for me. Romilly, I know you love me. You don't say it but you show it enough. Why can't you admit it to yourself and everyone else?"

Closing my eyes tightly, I bite down on my quivering lower lip and look away. Of all the things Francis could have come out with, why did he have to say that? His words were a punch in the heart and all the emotions I'd locked away were slowly seeping back into my system, making my gut churn and eyes sting. 

"Romy?" Chelsea called out to me, worry in her tone. "Are you ok?"

I shake my head. "I-" When I was younger and I got really nervous, I'd stutter. "I- I- could you play a song or something?"

Even I could hear the emotion in my question. Under the threat of tears, I just needed a minute to compose myself and decide whether I was going to answer Francis' question. On one hand, he deserved to have an answer but from my point of view, I had deeply personal reasons why I didn't want to get serious with him. With anyone, really. But that wasn't something I wanted to make public, yet here I was, being put on the spot. If I don't' say anything, I'm the bitch that breaks his heart on live radio. If I do tell him the reason I can't commit to him, then I'm going against everything I stand for. 

It really is decision time.