When I was 17, I met the man who changed the definition of love for me. Growing up, I'd always believed love as temporary. Although I'd like to have believed in "true love," it wasn't reality. Couples split, marriages end, and kids spend one week with Mom and the next with Dad. I didn't want to have kids because I didn't want to be left vulnerable if the father left me. I didn't want to get married because I didn't want to be another statistic. People are naturally selfish. Well, other people are. I, on the other hand, will lay down my life for the people I love. I'd jump in front of the bullet for them. I'd give away every little piece of myself that I have in order to make other people happy. And I have. But I've always known that these people are just temporary. They're selfish people experiencing what it is to have me, to use me, to love me, and then leave me. I've always known they'll leave. Because love is temporary. It doesn't last. But, I allow myself to fall in love with them.. I allow myself to become theirs.. to have me, to use me, to love me, and then to leave me. I foolishly fall into the hopeless romantic belief that maybe they'll always have me, that they will never use me, that they'll always love me, and that they'll never leave me. So it's a never ending cycle that typically happens with every guy that I fall for.. at the beginning, I'm resistant and I'll keep my distance and push them away and tell myself that it's temporary–that what they feel for me is temporary and not reality. Then, I begin to fall for the sweet talk, the "I won't leave yous," "I see a future heres," "I want to be serious's" and the "I love yous." And it works. And I believe it. They and I have fooled myself into believing that they'll always have me, they'll never use me, they'll always love me, and they'll never leave me. Until it happens. Whatever happens, explosive or not, they choose to leave. They choose to stop having me, they choose to use me, they choose to stop loving me, and then they choose to leave. And it hurts. It's a stay in bed for days and just cry hurt. It's a feel like you want to die hurt. It's a feeling so empty from having given away every last piece of yourself hurt. It's a feeling abandoned and feeling like nobody loves you and never will kind of hurt. And I thought the cycle would never end.. until you.
You waltzed in, high as fuck, and my dog almost attacked you because it was midnight and I was sneaking you into my room. I tried having normal conversation and you kept that smirk on your face that everyone gets after they smoke. You didn't flirt. You didn't touch. You laughed and talked. And I was lonely. So when I sat next to you on my sofa and showed you something on my phone, I made sure to get close. I couldn't tell if you were interested physically like I can with most guys. I knew you were nervous and so was I. I kissed you. We moved onto the bed and we made out. You asked if I had done this before so quickly with other guys. You wanted to know if you were special. I didn't answer but you didn't think anything of it. I moved fast before you; I moved fast with you. I move fast because boys get bored quickly and I don't want to be lonely anymore. We had sex. You asked me to be yours and it shocked me. Most guys want the casual sex thing; they don't want labels or exclusivity, especially after you have sex on the first "date." It scared me and I said, "I don't think so." You begged me to be yours.. that you wanted to be mine and you wanted me to be yours. I gave in because it meant consistent sex with one person, not because I thought it would go anywhere. You seemed naive when it came to relationships– like an eager puppy. I knew it wouldn't last long and I was right. You went home in the morning. You kissed me goodbye and I gave you directions to the nearest bus stop. I wasn't sure I'd be seeing you again.
You continued to text me, much to my surprise. You were sweet. You called me beautiful and made sure to say good morning and good night. You asked to see me the next day and I saw you the next day. I snuck you inside again and we cuddled on the couch. You were always warm. I started playing with the ring on your finger. You took it off and put it on me and said, "it's yours now." I told you that I didn't want to take anything from you. You told me you wanted me to keep it until you could replace it. I wore it on my right ring finger so people wouldn't think we were engaged. They still thought so, including my dad. We spent all night in bed together. We made love. We put our fingerprints into each other's phone and let the other go through them. You were so embarrassed by how you flirted with other girls and by the silly pictures you had of yourself that I thought it was cute. I went through my phone with you and showed I had nothing to hide. I really didn't. I didn't know if we'd last very long but I wasn't planning on cheating on you. You were cute. You were sweet. And you liked me.. a lot. You went home in the morning and kissed me goodbye. It wasn't long till you told me you loved me; I didn't say it back. I was really scared. It took me months with my ex before I ever had considered if I had truly loved him. I could see the hurt on your face when I told you that I couldn't say it back yet. I told you I loved you the next time I saw you because I did. I loved you as in I cared about you and I'd do anything to make you happy. But I didn't think I was in love with you. It was a cop out so I wouldn't feel so bad about you having an unrequited love because I know how badly that hurts. You came and saw me almost every other day. We either hung out at mine or yours. We'd spend all night in bed. The first time we went to yours, I just wanted to sleep, and you wouldn't let me. I wanted to be spooned and sleep. So when we moved into the living room to watch TV, I was kinda annoyed and freezing. There wasn't enough blanket for the both of us. I cuddled up to you, trying to warm up. Soon, it was sun up and you went to shower. You joked about having me join you but I was too tired to move. I napped on the couch with the blanket all to myself while you showered with the music on. When you were finished in the shower, you got dressed, did your hair, and kissed me awake. The way you looked at me warmed my heart. I smiled at you. You smiled back and kissed me on the lips again. It was sweet, tender, loving. It was a different kind of kiss than I'm used to. You got ready to take me home.
