Black & White - A Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Chapter 7-3

It had taken a few days for Lily to find the right moment, but finally, she had the chance to talk with Remus one-to-one. They were alone in the kitchen. Molly and Arthur had gone to bed immediately after dinner, Sirius had gone to feed Buckbeak in his mother's room, and James had followed him.

While they were drying glasses and dishes, Lily said, "So, what is it you're not telling?"

Remus lifted a surprised gaze to her. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Come on, Remus. I saw the way you looked at me the other day when we were all here talking about Sara. When I said I was wondering how she decided to become an Auror, you made a face as if it wasn't a good idea to talk about it. So?"

Remus sighed and put the dishcloth down. "How about some tea?"

Lily shrugged. "Sure, if it helps untie your tongue, let's have tea."

Remus bought some time putting the kettle on the fire and preparing the teapot and cups—an elaborate porcelain set with the Black family's crest on it. Lily would have preferred not to force his hand, but she wanted to know the whole story, and if no one was bothering to tell it, what could she do but ask?

Finally, Remus placed two cups of black tea on the table and sat next to her. He threw a glance at the door, then turned to her. "I don't know where to begin. What do you want to know?"

"Why did you make that face? What happened after that... after." She couldn't say it aloud. It was painful enough thinking about it.

Remus tightened his hands around the cup, his eyes fixed on the amber liquid. "Lily, try to step in our shoes. It was terrible for me. You were dead and, as much as I knew then, Peter was, too. But the worst was knowing that the cause of it all was Sirius, who I believed was our friend. I was a wreck. And yet everyone around me was elated by Voldemort's fall. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't sleep. Then I remembered there was someone who was probably feeling even worse than me."

"Sara."

"Exactly. If I was a wreck, try to imagine how she was. Not that your death wasn't a hard blow for me. It was atrocious and unexpected. But I was more—how can I put it—hardened against death and violence. She wasn't. She had never witnessed first-hand how devastating Voldemort could be. She wasn't part of the Order. She hadn't seen its members wiped out. When I went to visit her at Hogwarts, I got scared."

Lily felt tears prickling the corner of her eyes. Her tea sat on the table, all but forgotten. "Scared? What do you mean?"

"Sara was in the infirmary. She looked like a ghost. She had stopped eating. She was barely speaking. She looked like an empty shell. Overnight, the cheerful and lively girl we had learned to appreciate was gone. All that was left was pain. I believe she didn't let herself die just because she hadn't enough strength to resist Madam Pomfrey, who kept giving her potions to prevent her from losing more energy."

"Good God."

"Yep." Remus sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "When I went there, I had to tell her. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do."

"What? What did you tell her?"

Remus turned to look at her. In his eyes, there was a pain Lily had never witnessed. "That Sirius was your Secret Keeper." Lily put a hand on her mouth. "I didn't want her to hear it from others. It would be even worse. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, honestly. I wasn't that clear-headed myself."

Lily put a hand on Remus' shoulder. "It was better this way, probably. It was her right to know." Lily believed this. She had suggested Sirius tell her the truth before he became their Secret Keeper. But she understood why he didn't. He was too scared of putting her in danger.

Remus straightened his back and averted his gaze, going back to his tea. "Right or not, I went to Hogwarts and told her. You can imagine how she took the news."

Lily, to tell the truth, had some problems imagining it. She felt responsible. If James and she hadn't asked Sirius for help, nothing would have happened.

Remus started talking again. "What I didn't expect was her reaction. She refused to stay at Hogwarts, so I brought her with me to London. I had no idea it would end up that way, but in the end, she remained at my place for the rest of the year. Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey were sure it was a good thing. Her refusal to remain at Hogwarts was the first sign of life she'd shown in days, but once we got to London, she closed up again. It took her months before she was back to the appearance of normality. Probably longer still until she felt normal."

Lily's stomach tightened in knots while she imagined the scene. Remus and Sara in the same house, shut down in themselves, alone and devastated. How did everything go so wrong? "What happened next?"

Remus shrugged. "I managed to convince her to study for her NEWTs. She didn't want to hear about going back to Hogwarts, but she could achieve her NEWTs by taking the exams at the Ministry. Once she started, Sara threw herself headlong into her studies. Then I got it. To drag her out of her shell, I had to find her something to do. It was when I brought her to the Ministry for the exams that I had the idea. There was a wall covered in announcements, and one was about the admission test for the Aurors' Academy."

"And you thought it was a good way to keep her occupied?"

"Yes. There's no post-Hogwarts training that's more demanding."

"And she accepted? Like that?"

Remus smiled, but his eyes were sad. "I signed her up without telling her. The day of the test I brought her to the Ministry with an excuse, then I gave her the papers and basically pushed her inside."

"What?"

"Obviously she got angry. But then she took the exam. And she passed." Lily was speechless. Sara had become an Auror almost by chance, only because Remus had forced her to do it. Incredible.

"Now do you understand why I didn't want to talk about it in front of Sirius? He already tortures himself enough. There's no need for him to know how much Sara suffered."

"Of course." Lily was searching for something to say, when Mrs. Black's lament came from the entry hall. She looked at Remus.

"Tonks. She must be back from the Ministry."