Reality {a sam pottorff/jc caylen fanfic}

Im not the only one keeping secrets

After washing the toothpaste out of the sink I realized I had forgotten to hide my scale at the bottom of my suitcase, so for three days I wouldn't know how much I weighed. Even thinking about that horrified me.

I walked out of the hotel bathroom in sweatpants and a sweater. Now that I was going to be upclose to everyone. I didn't want to risk showing my arm to Trevor, or Jenn.

Now that I think about it, it was pretty dumb of me to assume that Sam wouldn't hurt himself again. I don't understand how someone so loving, could learn to hate themselves.

The baggy clothing I was hiding under hung loosely over my fat shoulders, and I pulled my sleeves down far over my fingers before walking over to Trevor and jenn.

"Goodnight trevy" I teased, pinching his hip.

"Goodnight loser" he groaned poking me in the stomach making me more anxious than I already was.

"Goodnight Emily". Jenn said grinning... Leaning out of bed a bit to shut off the lamp next to her.

I returned her goodnight and hopped into bed as far away from sam as possible.

I was finally drifting off to sleep when I felt the pressure under the covers change, and felt Sams hand press against my upper thigh. Even through my clothes I could tell his hands were freezing. And I had this motherly instinct to get him up and make him a cup of hot chocolate or something.

There was this grotesque voice in the back of my head telling me to move away, that he could probably feel the layer of fat through my baggy pants, that he's disgusted with me. Everyone is.

The thought of that made me completely sick, I swung my legs out of bed onto the cold carpet and run quickly to the bathroom, slamming the door as quietly as possible behind me.

Something had taken over me, as I sat before the toilet getting rid of my breakfast, being the only thing I had eaten today..

I was done,but I still felt nauseous. And I knew that the toast I had eaten was not completely gone.

My knuckles were starting to bruise, and I took two fingers and shoved them in my throat. Pressing down hard close to my throat. Triggering my gag reflex, and one again. I felt food come up my throat as I leant my head down.

I felt a hand pull my hair back, which startled me. But I relaxed a bit when he began rubbing my back.

I knew it was sam.

I knew he saw.

I finished once again, leaning back against Sam, who was sitting behind me.

The rotten smell of vomit filled the bathroom, and the stale aftertaste was left in my mouth.

"What was that?" He asked, his voice was tired.

"What do you think you saw, sam?" I ask, quietly. My voice was weak, and it cracked multiple times.

"You're buli-"

"Don't use that word, I hate it." I said louder this time, turning around to face him.

"Please don't cry". He looked at me with pure care in his eyes.

I didn't even realize I was, until I felt a teardrop land on my arm.

He took his thumb, and wiped the tear falling from my cheek.

"You can't talk about this to anyone, got it?" I question him.

"I have to emil-"

I cut him off.

"Don't sam, I'm not the only one keeping secrets here". I whisper yell, looking down at his sweater covered arm. Putting my hand over it, the cuts he made were so deep, I could feel them through his sweater.

I watch him closely as he looks over the situation, and then stands up, and walks out. Leaving me in the bathroom.

I follow a few minutes after and find him pulling a small container of listerine out of his suitcase.

He hands the bottle to me before getting back in bed, and I must've rinsed my mouth for ten minutes, because by the time I got in bed with him, he was asleep.

The time on the alarm was ten o'clock, and I wondered if all the youtubers go to sleep this early the night before Vidcon.

I realized that I had never said goodnight to sam, even though his eyes were closed. When I got in bed, I knew he was awake.

"Goodnight sam". I say, eyes closed.

....

"Night, Emily". He returns after a few minutes.

And for once, I fall asleep quickly.

A/N AYYYY SORRY GUYS. MY WIFI HAS BEEN OUT FOR A LONG WHILE, BUT UM YEAH. YOU CAN FOLLOW MY TWITTER IF YOU WANT AND WE CAN BE BESTFREINDS. OKAY HAGD

@metaphormoran

PS. I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO SAY IN MY LAST A/N... I MET THE BOYS.

THEY WERE SO SWEET AND SAM SMELLED SO AMAZING OMG.

OKAY I REALLY NEED TO GO NOW. BYE