Ashton and I had just returned home from a 4 month tour, we had been dating for the last 7 months and even lived together. When Ashton had asked for me to accompany him on tour I jumped at the chance! We were inseparable and couldn't stand being away from each other although now it's a totally different story.
Ashton has been distant since we arrived back 2 days ago; he ignores me when I ask the simplest questions, goes out all the time with boys and barely looks at me let alone talks to me when he is home. We don't kiss, talk, hold hands, even cuddle at night it's like he has lost all affection unless he feels like he has to when we are in public. He refuses to look me in the eye on the odd occasion that he may give me some attention it's like he's hiding something he doesn't want me to see.
I'd had enough. Enough of all the cold stares, the shrugging of shoulders when I want a response I had already decided that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, I wanted answers! That night when Ashton had decided that he couldn't ignore me any longer and went to bed instead I decided to follow instead of sitting downstairs worrying whether or not I was allowed in my own bedroom. However I decided not to go in there angry instead I'll try to get him to talk to me.
I slowly crept into my side of the bed knowing full well that he wasn't asleep.
"Ashton... Ash." No response, deep breaths Y/N I repeated to myself. "Ash, please talk to me." Nothing. "Fine, if you're not going to talk to me then I will. Ash, I don't know what's happened? Okay? I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you so upset with me that you are now ignoring me. I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry" I couldn't help it, the tears just started spilling down my cheeks as I nuzzled my face in between his shoulder blades. Sobbing quietly, Ashton turned round finally facing me and showing me the first piece of affection in the last 3 days by pulling me close into his chest.
"Shhh babe, everything's going to be okay." He whispered as he rubbed my back, pulling me even closer by my waist. My sobs began to subside as the only thing I could think of to make this all better crossed my mind, just kiss him my subconscious was yelling at me, it'll be okay it willed. So that's what I did without even thinking about whether or not he wanted it, nothing was stopping me as I tried to fill the kiss with as much need, want and forgiveness I could begging for everything to go back to normal with what I was about to give him. Luckily he didn't back away from me instead he responded with just as much need and want. My next step was to guide his hand from around my waist lower in hope that he would get my hint. He tried fighting me as I begged him to, feeling as if it's the only answer to solve this mess we had somehow found ourselves in.
On the flight home from tour whilst the rest of the plane were asleep we had had a conversation about when we were ready to take the next step in the bedroom, sure enough Ashton had been with previous girlfriends in that way however I was still new to the whole thing begging him to not push too hard as the idea quite frankly terrified me. He seemed okay with it in the past however the next morning that's when things changed. The fact that I wasn't willing to give myself entirely to him wasn't exactly great in his book; well that's what I thought. I had to do it I couldn't lose him.
My mind was going into panic as I forced my hand to guide his lower whilst he resisted me. "Y/N, stop" he mumbled as our lips were still pressed together, only then had I realised the tears rolling down his cheeks. "I know you don't want this, just stop." He whispered as I fell against his chest again sobbing.
"But I have to. I don't want to lose you." I whispered back in between sobs, his grip on me tightened as I finally let go of his hand and it travelled back up to my waist. "I mean that's why you've been ignoring me because I haven't..." I drifted off as another sob launched from my chest. He returned to humming and comforting me.
"That's not the reason. Y/N I'd never push you into that." He whispered slowly.
"Please just tell me what's wrong" I said quietly, looking down at my hands whilst his breathing quickened. He opened his mouth and looked down at me as if trying to find the right words before closing it again. I couldn't take it, his silence was killing me inside slowly I untangled myself trying to savour the feeling of his touch burning on to my skin and his warmth breath on my face. "I'm going to sleep on the couch; we can talk in the morning or whatever."
Suddenly I felt a grasp on my wrist, "wait" he begged as his voice cracked. "please" I didn't want to leave if anything I wanted to stay in that position until my last breath however I couldn't the heart break was unbearable I couldn't keep trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay.
"I can't, sorry." I whispered pulling wrist away from his grip.
"We're going on tour again, we leave in the next couple of weeks." He suddenly burst out, "that's why I've been pushing you away. We're going on tour longer this time and I asked, I mean I begged on my knees, but you can't come with us." He rushed out before taking a deep breath and sitting in front of me, holding my hands in his lap.
"I don't understand, why ignore me?" I whispered finally looking into his eyes; they were full of regret, guilt, hurt and panic.
He took another deep breath, "I thought that maybe if I began to push you away, thinking that maybe it wouldn't hurt as much when I left and you found someone better." My chest ached as he looked down at our hands saying the last 4 words. How could he think that? Slowly I lifted my hand to his cheek rubbing my thumb slowly across his 2 day stubble.
"You honestly don't see it do you?" I whispered he shook his head in response. "There's no one better. You're the guy in the fairytale, you're my prince charming and I want to be the girl that say yes to your ring, the girl that you wait for at the end of the aisle, the girl that you kiss when the priest says 'you may now kiss the bride', I want to be the girl that almost brakes your hand when she gives birth to your first, second, third child, the girl that holds our child's other hand as we take them to their first day of school and holds yours on their last, the girl that helps telling embarrassing stories about our children to their first loves, the girl that's in the stories you tell our grandchildren. I want to be your girl for the rest of my life" I took a deep breath looking into his eyes before wiping away one of his tears that had spilled down his cheek. "You're the one Ash, and I'm yours forever." I kissed him sweetly before wrapping my arms around his neck unable to let go as he quietly sobbed into my shoulder.
"I love you Y/N" he whispered.
"I love you Ash, Forever."
"and Always."
