The Diary of a Dead Anarchist

5th of July 2018

12:06
I'm so not over 'him' and it hurts so fucking much.
   I don't want to be alone. In any sense of the word.
Alone - isolated and lonely
(Having no one else present, on ones own)
    Even when I'm not alone the feelings are still there. I've tried drinking away the feelings, I've tried sleeping them off, I've even tried whoring myself out, if anything the last one makes it feel worse.
  I can't get over 'him' I know he hurt me throughout the whole thing and I know it was short but for that little amount of time he made me happy.
His face, his smile, his body, his personality I miss it.
I don't know what to do with myself, and here I am listening to XXX and overthinking.

I miss his cute little laugh.

I didn't see it all coming you know, maybe it should've been obvious but it wasn't to me.
Writing this in blue pen has made me realise how depressed I am, I hate the colour blue, other than that my main concern is me trying to flush the excessive amount of units of alcohol I've drank today out of my system(in the healthiest way possible that is).

I know I seem down just because of a boy, but it's not just that, it's so so much more, all past regrets, self loathing (etc).

I wanna end it ( this isn't exactly a new feeling for me) nothing seems to be going right.
I don't know what to do about it all.
When it comes to 'him' there isn't really much I can do.
Ive tried telling him I love him and that I care, but the sad thing is I know he no longer feels the same way about me.

I fell for him so hard and so fast, and now I'm left falling without him even harder.

So many emotions all at once( sadness, anger,love,resentment)

I guess I'm easily attached or some bullshit, the depression didn't ever hit as hard as it did when I was with 'him'.
I don't even know if it was me feeding from 'him' or 'him' dragging me down with 'him',all I know was that it was the best time of my life but the worst all at the same time.

I just hope drinking will keeping make me feel better because as soon as I start with drugs there's no coming back from that.

)moving on(

Im anorexic
And not in the way your thinking. I'm not overly skinny I just have a mental disease.
I have an eating disorder that makes me feel like I need to starve myself or excessively exercise, not healthy I know, but there's no helping me now.
My 'friends' are trying to get me out of it, but it's an improvement on what I used to be and do.

I was bulimic
I used to be somebody that would binge eat then force myself to throw up, it became a lifestyle.
Nobody knew.
I'm still not clean from it, or many of the other issues I force my body to endure.

Self-Harm
I can't help it, It makes me feel so good at the time. I'm trying to convince myself not to do it right now. And no, I know what your thinking.
I'm not an attention seeker.
)moving on(
I guess I'm using this as a journal.
I never planned to write this many pages, the sad thing is, what's written here isn't even half of what I think about or feel on a daily basis.
Im trying.
I honestly am.
I'm trying so fucking hard.
I don't know if anybody realises or cares but I know I'm trying and I guess when I feel like this, I'm the only person it affects.
Everyone says they are worried about me and I don't mean to worry them.
I just want everyone to be happy even if I'm not. I couldn't care about my own happiness, I just don't want to feel like this.
A couple of years ago I lost a close friend of mine to suicide and I'd prefer to not lose anyone else if I can help it.
There's a few I'd happily kill, but I don't want to lose any of my current 'friends' to it, I would hope they feel the same about me.
But how much do they actually care.
I know that 'he' doesn't and if 'he' does then he has a pretty shitty way of showing it.

01:02 AM

Almost an hour has passed since I started scribbling what I'm feeling down in this notebook.
Who knew I had feelings?
I fucked up again.
Two times in one day, not quite a record yet though. This is so much of a habit it may as well become an addiction.
I don't want to stop till the blood rolls down my leg. I guess with me it's not a whole body thing, just a patch where I deeply fuck myself up.
Nobody sees it anyway unless they are using me for sex, which I'm pretty sure is the only sex I ever get.
I need to get help.
Even medication would help.
At least it would numb the pain.
I can smell the blood on my fingertips.

)moving on(
Anarchy?
Against the crown, against the system.
We're our own power.
That pretty much sums me up.
I live for my self.
)Identity crisis(
I don't know who I am anymore, I don't like who I've become, or who I'm transitioning into.
I hate myself more than you'd believe. It's all a front.
..Lies..
If you ever compliment my appearance(not that you'll ever meet me) I will refuse to believe you, it's not that I have an ideal of who I want to be.
I just want to be someone who isn't whatever you'd call the body I died in.
|.|.|.|.|.|
Signing off for tonight.
If your still reading thank you, more coming soon, who knows maybe it will become more positive (or negative) most likely the latter.
Don't think.
Goodnight
Offline 02:30 AM

Whoops
Yeah I'm still awake.
I knew it, I was right all along, I told you from the start that you were in love with the idea of being in love with the idea of being in love with me. You were confused when confronted about it cause you knew it was true.

You didn't have to be with me, this pain I'm feeling is because of you and I'm sick of it, I don't want to feel like this anymore, I wish I could sign out of life to be honest, leave my life on airplane mode.

)De-Activate Your Account?(
I wish I could just use another email and create a new account of life.
If I make no new entries for a while then I'm more than likely
DEAD.

03:40 AM
I thought you put the stars in my eyes, but you made comets tumble from them instead.
I thought you were out of my mind but apparently not. I'm done, I'm gonna be over you, watch me.
I keep saying to you that I need to speak to you but honestly I was just going to try and get you back.
I'm almost glad I didn't try, I'm not sure if I even want you back, laying here now I realise you were a massive cause of my depression.
It just feels like it isn't over and I don't know why that is but I don't want it to be the case.
I want it to be over.
I've moved on

04:49 AM
A wise man sitting on a wall once said to me;
'If there's no laughter in your depression then your fucked,if you can't make a stand up show about your problems then there will be no light in the darkness, not even the flicker of a candle flame, all you will see if darkness and it will cascade down and drown you.'
'So have a laugh every now and then to stay safe yeah!'
And as I lay here thinking about his words, I hear the birds chirping away outside, it is still dark but they chose to sing and brighten up their own lives for the good of others and their own, they may also be trying to get that 'D' but we're just gonna pretend that that's not a thing.