Love Is A Bitch

At The Start

I needed a breather from Ryan for a few days after what happened yesterday. I knew if I spent much more time with him right now, we'd end up having sex. And in my mind, I could pass off the kissing and the little touches as friendly, even though I knew damn well they weren't. But the minute I had Ryan on the bed Sarah and I slept in every night, I was cheating again.

That's where we'd done it when I brought him home that night in 2016. He even slept on Sarah's side of the bed after we were done. Then, it was the couch in my studio the next afternoon, the same couch I wrote lyrics that were practically about him on.

Everything about Ryan was intoxicating. His eyes, his hands, his lips, the way he carried himself, the way he said my name, everything about him drew me in. I remembered every time I'd been with him so vividly.
The first time we'd slept together started off as a joke. Fans teased us constantly at meet and greets, and that night Jon and Spencer had gotten us a hotel room with one bed to further the joke. I was 17 or 18 at the time, and Ryan must've just turned 19, as it was September. We were young and curious I guess, or that's the excuse I used when people I trusted, like Kenny and Dallon, asked me about Ryan and I. In reality, I'd wanted Ryan for some time. And anyone with half a brain could tell he felt the same way. The next morning, I woke up to Ryan smoking a cigarette in the no smoking hotel room, covered in nothing but a sheet. He offered me a cigarette and I smoked one, and we lay there until Jon was knocking on the door, yelling for us to come to breakfast.

Ryan and I were both young when I fell in love with him. I think I really fell in love that morning when I saw him next to me in bed with a cigarette hanging from his lips. Ryan, however, may never have loved me. Hell, he's the one who left. But something about him, the way he spoke to me, the way he touched me, made all the pain of him leaving go away. I hoped he loved me at some point. I mean, he must've felt something, because after all, he kept coming back.