coping is somthing I cant do

terrifying moments <\3

wednesday. February. it was chilly out side. I woke up an looked at my little sister jasmine an smiled an gave her a hug, we got up an got ready for school. mum was out side having a coffee an my step dad (jasmine's dad) was still in bed. he had to take jasmine to school as my mum had to take my older brother to school as its further an she has to go into the car. meanwhile theres me getting the bus to an from school everyday. I always have to get my step dad up but the past weeks he hasnt been getting up on time. acting horrible to everyone an acting secretive. This Wednesday he didnt wake up. my mum had to take her to school. im worried but I just get through the day normally. thats when I get a text.

I just finished school I sat down on the bus. put my head phones in. I had the most horrible feeling in me but I guess I just felt sick as always so I felt normal to me. I switched my phone on an the engine started an just as we were about to move I read a text saying '' im picking up jasmine I wont be home till a little bit later'' I say ''okaii irl go round the back just leave it unlocked, see you soon love you xx'' I started feeling abit dizy now an I just start to panic. I didnt get a reply so I text mum again. ''wheres kevin then, why isnt he picking her up?xx''... '' mum'' she doesnt answer. the back door was locked so I went to my friends house emily its only across the road so I could see when mum got back. half an hour went by.

I call mum... ''hello, where are you now?'' mum; ''iv just got home..'' I heard her tears from the other side of the phone. I replied ''Wheres kevin? have you got jasmine? irl be home in a minute? are you ok? whats wrong?'' I was getting really worried now. she just cried an cried I hung up the phone ran out emilys house forgetting my bag I shouted iv got to go irl text you later love you. I slammed the door. not purposley so I shouted sorry so I didnt seem rude.

I bang on the door. jasmine wasnt here. neither was kevin. My mums key worker was here. I couldnt speak to my mum she was on the floor in tears my mum just lies there screaming crying so much shouting shes gone shes gone shes gone then she stops an lies there silently with silent tears. I sob, mum what do you mean! she had gone they've took her we havnt done anything we dont deserve this its not right NOOOO!!! I ran upset stairs. I couldnt stop crying. all her stuff just there tidied not being played with. it broke my heart relizeing how much I didnt know. How much I wish I could have done. how can I cope? how can i live knowing shes not going to be around anymore. I hated that fucking cunt he thinks hes done what's best he's destroyed everything. I trusted that man, I took him in as a farther to me an I didnt think I would have been able to do that as I trusted no man not from my farther an I moved on an took another man in an I regret it. I wish hed drop dead. he took my little sister. I cried myself to sleep. I got really depressed after about a week now an things were just getting worse I had to go into school with no choice. I cried everyday I tried to explain but how could I? she wasnt just someone who has the same blood as me she isnt just somone who I share a room with an she isnt just my sister she was my other half she was my best friend, the only one who understood me who annoys me so much who takes my make up who messes up the room an I have to tidy it. to be honest I hated doing them things but I relised one this. that 4 months I didnt have her was the four months I suffered an relised if it wasnt for her I wouldnt be who I am an I may have hated that stuff but I really missed it.

it got so depressed. looking at the metal silver thing in my hand. I watch it slide deeply across my skin over a over again, 1,2,3,4,5 to about 20. I couldnt stop. I found the tablets 7 left there lying there waiting for me. waiting for me to swallow them an not regret it. nothing can haunt me more than that day did. I will never forget that day. I spent 14 days in the hospital. they finally let me out. the next day I went straight to school. everyone heard what happened but they don't know why. I hear whispers laughter hatred all pointing at my direction. I couldnt cope I went up to the people I usely hang around with. somone shouted at me my mind blanked an I started going mentle. I said sorry an some little cunt came over to me an said shut up just go pop some more pills. then he said. go get a knife. I ran inside screaming crying I cried for the next 4 hours non stop. I risked it all. but I guess it was my stupid mistake. I just know no one will understand how I felt then months an no one will understand if I explain now. tbere is so much to explain an all i can say is im glad im home schoold now an im glad I don't have social life. before all I do is make mistakes an get hurt.

to everyone I was known as the attention seeking suicidal freak! .