A middle aged housewife is discovered, by her husband, being involved in a secret emotional affair with a former lover via the internet. Instead of divorcing and casting her out of his life, he instead uses her submissive side to turn her into his...
While reflecting back on this journey I have found myself on, I often spend hours thinking. At times while writing down the events that have defined our new relationship, I've often asked myself, even recorded in writing, "How did I get here?". I stumbled upon an article recently about "How Keeping Secrets Can Destroy a Romantic Relationship". The article resonated with me.
I began to think back to the year before my husband made his discovery. Why did I contact my ex? Why did I keep it secret? Why did I let it go so far?
I began doing web searches looking for answers to secrets in marriage. What I kept reading from site to site, showed me that I really had been in the wrong all along. As I've been recording our exploits, I've shared most of the sexy fun times. Occasionally I've revealed my thoughts and feelings, I even shared when I went astray.
These articles, your comments, your messages to me... began to weigh on me. I had kept a huge, a tremendous secret from my husband all of these years. I was deceitful, dishonest, disloyal... the list probably could go on. I betrayed my husband's trust, our marriage vows.
And to think at times during our marriage, if he showed attention to another woman, a waitress, a clerk at a hotel, etc I would become jealous. As I thought back to those moments of jealousy, I tried to reason within my own mind and heart why did I become jealous? What was it, that he did that set me off? As I dug for the answers in my psyche, I realized that I was jealous of his attention. I wanted the same attention. I sat there contemplating these reasons, it wasn't that he found her attractive, or that he touched her. It was that his attention was on her, yet he was just doing something ordinary. Interacting with a waitress, a clerk, being courteous. I never realized that all along I had his attention. I was his world. I am still his world. Why did I not realize that sooner.
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Here I was trying to hide the fact that I was still talking with an ex. I wasn't talking about mundane issues either. I was discussing past history. Recalling days forgone when we were together, wishing we could have had more time to explore different aspects of sex. I even masterbated to thinking about this cock. It wasn't my husband's. My husband's was within arms reach. I could have rolled over and wrapped my fingers around, trying to make them touch my palm and given him a marvelous hand job. I imagined going down on my ex again, being under a star filled night sky, just him, me and a blanket out in the woods somewhere, as I rubbed my clit. I thought of other guys I had the opportunity to suck while I explored my pussy with a vibrator that my husband picked out for me. I relived sitting in the front seat of a car and leaning over and going down on the guy while he drove down the highway. Something I never did with my husband.
Why have I not told my husband? Shame... I'm ashamed of my former self. I'm a wife now, a mother of two children, I'm supposed to be wholesome. While we're not strict in our religious beliefs, I still identify myself as a Christian. I'm not supposed to be a cock sucking queen. I'm not supposed to be a wild, sex crazed maniac. Or at least that's what I've told myself for so many years. I was also fearful that my husband would be ashamed to call me his wife. To know that while he saved his virginity to give to me, I had given it to a crazed, manipulative monster. That I had willingly gone down on other guys, some multiple times. A few I even had sex with.
