noticed | dolan twins

thirty-seven

serenity

i stared at my phone. i know he was busy, but too busy for me ? that's painful stab in my heart. i sucked in a sharp breath to hold back my tears. ethan never had time anymore and calling late at night was not my ideal talk. what was i supposed to do? it hurt too much staying away from him but it hurts so much trying to pull myself together every time we talk. this wasn't healthy. but i couldn't let this go. i couldn't let him go. after everything i went through to get to him how could i ? this was ever fangirls dream. i was living a in a whole new fantasy, how could i possibly feel the urge to want to end it? but then again was this new life supposed to make my heart ache and my tears be so visible no mater what time of day. was it supposed to make me feel alone and vulnerable every minute that passes.

no. it wasn't. i should be happy. i don't even recognize the person i am anymore. i just couldn't stop thinking about ethan. i know it's him. it's always been him and i want to stay with him. i'm fighting for us every second but i'm slowly losing hope. i don't know what would cure this empty feeling, or the thought in my mind asking if i should keep pushing and fighting for what ethan and i have. i glanced st my phone knowing one person that might know the answer. i dialed the numbers, hesitating whether to press the call button. i closed my eyes for a minute and then held the phone up to my ear. hearing the silent ring.

"hello?" a voice ran through the phone. "hey. uh is this a bad time ?" i asked. hoping that we could talk. i was hopeless.

"oh no. i actually have about an hour of time to burn right now. anyways what's up?" graysons voice was warm, inviting, and felt safe. a relief to hear.

"oh that's good." i said. before i knew it i broke down. all the bottled up emotions just spilling out. "i don't know what to do anymore gray." i sobbed into the phone. "ethan just never seems to have time for us and i love that he is enjoying life but i miss him so much it hurts. i was in love with him for long and then he finally noticed me. and we fell for each other. i mean what are the odds ? then he leaves. i've been waiting for 3 months and everyday it gets worse. it's gets harder to stay away from him. the phone calls don't ever help with the time zones we live in. i can't help but think that i'm wasting time. i'm tired. tired of crying every night. tired of feelings like i have to force a conversation. tired of fighting. you're my last hope. please gray. what am i supposed to do?" i finished. all my feelings that have been left, untouched have just exploded. the line was quiet. grayson was taking it all in. my heart was broken.

"serenity." he began. "this is reality. he is going to be busy. he won't always have time for the little things anymore. that's life. you're still living in this beautiful fantasy you made with him. it's hard. of course it is. it all comes down to whether you feel like it's working out. if you believe that all this relationship is causing you more pain than happiness, why are you in it ? i mean i love my brother but i love you as well and i would never want to see you in the state that you are currently in. if you truly aren't happy anymore than you need to let him know. cause than you are wasting time. but you could just be lost in sorrow. the feeling of loneliness. and maybe after it all things will come together again. but just ask yourself. is it worth it ? think about it and evaluate every little detail. i believe you'll find your answer deep down."

this touched my heart. i never knew that grayson could be so good at advice. everything i ever needed to hear since i started feeling this way was said. i thanked him and hung up the phone. ready to think about ethan. our relationship. and the lingering question.

is it worth it ?