Sunflowers and Tattoos

Chapter 1.

As we grow up from child hood to becoming a adult our minds grow. We learn what love feels like. Who shows their true colors. Who is really there for you, who you can trust. We learn the meaning of life we try to understand who we are as a person.

Our teachers and parents talk to us about what we want to be when we grow up. Some of us said a singer, some of us want to be actresses, some of us want to be doctors and help people all around the world. Some want to grow up and travel the world.

Our parents want us to grow up and have this dream and chase for it. But do we?

I had a dream but never really knew what i wanted to do. I wanted to be a doctor but I also didnt think my heart could take it if i couldn't help someone and they died. Its just to much pressure. Do you get what I'm saying? As I got older I wanted to be a fashion designer, a baker because what child doesn't want to be a chef? Anyways we all want to be someone.

We all want to be someone......

But who am I? Some of us get to follow our dreams.... and some of us don't because depression takes over. We don't want to be alive. So much can wash over us that its to much. And we let go and we want to end it all. We want to kill ourselves. To be taken away by this ugly feeling to let give in to whats taken us away from the joy that we want. And end it.

We question what we want in life. We question how could such a evil feeling come inside of us with no warning. We begin to get insecure about how we look how we dress, what we eat, whats healthy and so forth . We don't want to interact with other people. We silently make our way day by day, wishing and hoping that something will come along and make us feel worth something , to give us hope that we will let this feeling go.

But guess what? It doesn't go anywhere.

I tend to struggle with my mental health and how to cope with it. Being a teenager doesn't help much. Especially when you have a narcissistic abusive family who tells you your feelings aren't valid. But in all honestly i think that my past and the present is the main reason why I feel like giving up and to have something worth fighting for. . I'm also slightly scared of the future because I'm absolutely oblivious to what is to come.

Its as if I have so much in my head it overwhelms me and when it comes to getting emotional it takes over my heart and it hurts and I don't want that kinda pain in my life. Nobody does .

Do you? Does anyone?

I close my journal and put my headphones in my ears and lay back on my bed. Feet to the headboard and my head at the end. Just how I like it. I stare up at the ceiling watching the fan go round and around. I wonder what it would be like to be a small lint of dust on my fan, I can sorta relate to that small peice of dust actually. One because I the dust exist and two people know that I exist but refuse to give me any sort of attention. I kinda feel bad for that small piece of dust. I must be really lonely up there because I'm lonley and I live with four other human beings.

I'm sorry I haven't properly introduced myself. I'm Addy. Short for Addison.My full name is Addison Louise James. Im your average five foot 4 inch girl. I have long brown hair and hazelnut eyes. Nothing interesting.

Anyways.

I think me listening to music to calm me down when i'm crying uncontrollably and cant seem to understand why Im crying but i just am is just so I can get far far away from people and into my own world. Where I can visualize Calum Hood telling me its gonna get better while I listen to his song " Carry On" Im not quiet sure why music soothes me but it does. Doesn't really matter what or who i listen to as long as there is music its in my ears .