MIXED UP ⌲ HAN AND LEIA

final (extra) one-shot; the beginning of the end

-- SHORTLY AFTER BEN SOLO'S TURN TO THE DARK SIDE; MILLENNIUM FALCON -\

Leia hadn't moved in 24 hours. 

Her cheeks and eyes were puffy, stained, and wrinkled with the leftovers of her tears. Her eyes had stopped watering a while ago--her body seemed to be running rather low on liquids--but she still echoed the ship with her quiet sobs.

Han had come over to her time and time again to talk, but he could do nothing to change her routine. His once bright, constantly thinking hazel eyes had turned dull, and his face was sore from frowning. He hadn't slept in days. And he was terribly afraid to even touch his wife--like she was made of the finest glass, like she was so rare that if he broke her, he would never be able to piece her back together.

It's been two days, he thought. Two days. 48 hours. My son left me 48 hours ago. And he's never coming back.

Han struggled to keep his thoughts under control, to keep the anxiety he secretly held within. He couldn't let Leia see him break down; pacing the Falcon was enough. If he broke down, he knew that he could lose her forever. She would fade away.

I love her. I love her so much. Please don't let her disappear.

He wasn't sure who he was praying to, but whoever or whatever it was, he was praying hard. Luke had already disappeared. He didn't want it to happen to Leia, too.

When he was young, Han had never pictured himself having a child. Not once. Back then, the thought of it would have put a foul taste in his mouth. But it happened, and time had flown by incredibly fast, and now--well, now being without his son and feeling utmost failure felt like death itself. He had never bonded with Ben like Leia had. So, he imagined she had a feeling that was beyond death.

Hell, he thought. She's feeling hell. To think that there was a time when our marriage was heaven.

That hurt most of all. He had failed her.

Han decided to approach her again. He tiptoed slowly, biting his lip, and could only levitate his hands over her shoulders; it was impossible to touch her without feeling like he was going to break her into a million shards of glass. He knew that she felt him standing over her, but she didn't move.

Slowly, he took a breath. "Leia....I-"

"Luke did everything he could," she interrupted quickly. Han closed his mouth and frowned. His wife turned to face him with a piercing, dark look in her eyes. "Right?"

He didn't know how to respond in a way that would be comfortable, so he simply nodded and swallowed dryly. Leia nodded with him.

"But...." Leia took a quick gasp of air. "did we do everything we could?"

The answer to that question came clear into Han's mind. "You did, Leia. I didn't. I....I was never meant to be a father," He walked away from her and started pacing the hallway quickly, growing overwhelmed by his guilt. "I was never meant to be a hero. I was never meant to be your husband, or the friend of a Jedi, or a rebel. I'm none of that. I'm just a scoundrel, Leia. I'm a selfish, asshat scoundrel. And I'm sorry," he walked back over to her quickly once he saw her increasing in her despair and this time didn't hesitate to bring her into his arms. "I'm so, so sorry."

He crumbled to the floor and pulled her body down with his. Leia sat in his lap and wrapped her arms around his torso tightly while the rest of her body shook violently. Han gripped her clothing and buried his head into her shoulder. She was cold and fragile--like a thin layer of frost that forms on flowers in the early spring. Rarely did Leia ever come to this state--she was undoubtedly the strongest woman Han had ever known--and the level of abnormality she was portraying terrified him.

As she continued to shake, Han's terror escalated like a ticking, imminent explosion of a detonator. He didn't know how to be strong for her anymore.

"Leia, sweetheart...." he started with a weak, shaking voice. "I have to go. I can't destroy your happiness anymore."

And, with a gentle, concluding kiss to the princess's forehead, the scoundrel rose--and she became still.