I died at 9 years old (NF)

I Feel so Alone

When I was 8, my parents decided we should move to FL in the summer. My skin is sensitive to heat, I don't think they took much thought into it, but I begged them to stay here at home, where I belonged, but apparently work was easier there. My birthday was also coming up fast and I wanted to celebrate it in my hometown, they couldn't even let me do that.

It was hard moving, leaving everything behind.

We rode the bus to get to FL and it was my second time riding a bus, it felt so strange and weird. I had a terrifying fear of death.. one of the reasons I didn't want to go to FL, it was a city. Cities are scary for me, and I didn't want to get hurt living there. when we got to the next bus stop, I started crying and begging my mom to change her mind and take us back. She slapped me. She told me changes happen all the time and that I needed to quit being a pussy.

I listened to her and decided I wasn't being very mature. I dealt with it and moved on.

We got to FL and moved into an apartment, I had my birthday and I got to admit my birthday was way more fun in the city, but it felt empty. Summer was pretty nice, we went to the beach occasionally every weekend but we didn't stay too long and I guess that's why I lived.

But when school started, it got a bunch harder on me.. I was in the heat for 5 days a week. I didn't feel so good, I got hypothermia easily. It didn't go away until a week but a few days later it would show up again. Every so often as I was sick in my room, I would cry my eyes out and wish life didn't have to change. I've missed so many days of school that I had to go back, even when I was still sick. And that just made it worse.

My throat was dry and everything tasted bland. I could barely bring myself to eat and I felt pale.

My mom decided to sleep and take care of me in my room one night and it was the most lucky thing that's ever happened to me. She had everything prepared in the room for when I needed it.

When I finally fell asleep, I became aware of the conversations around me... my mom was getting pissed at all the work she's had to do to take care of me. And she was mad at my dad for not being there for me. After all, he did have work, and they just continued arguing and I heard every little bit they had said.

when the arguing finally faded, I started to cry... I hated how just because of me, there's a bunch of chaos.

"why'd I have to be so weak."

"why was I born?"

"I'm only a nuisance.."

"I wish I just died so I wouldn't cause any more problems..."

I repeated it over and over until I got tired of it and slowly started to fade..

I felt my spirit reach out of me and started to cry next to me, until my spirit and everything else faded and it just turned pitch black.

I was standing in a void of emptiness, it was really peaceful.

I didn't feel like I was in my own body anymore but I was aware of what was going on around me. it was strange.. I was just a black figurine walking and walking in an infinity world of darkness, not thinking about anything or anyone just walking forward until I see something.

this went on for a few minutes or hours.. I had no idea.

until finally, I saw a pinch of light just miles ahead and as the light got closer to me.. I had a really quick flashback that felt like an eternity but looking back at it only took a second. And I shot up from bed gasping for air! My mom was there right beside me, and she was extremely worried. I have no idea how, but somehow she went straight to work and helped me manage to breathe again.

She really is an amazing mom. I'm so lucky and blessed to have her in my life.

Sad thing is, this happened in 2 in the morning. Which meant it was now my little brother's birthday that day. I went to the hospital and I don't think it was serious cause I barely stayed there for 6 hours or less. All the attention that should've been focused on my little brother's special day was now focused on me. But I made sure to make up for it. :)

A week later after the incident, my parents decided to move back home. I was extremely happy! I was supposed to have a science fair project and a Halloween costume set but I had nothing so lucky me didn't have to make up excuses. Plus, my dad basically got paid a few dollars more for extreme work that got him hurt a bunch. :(

I'm glad we're back home, safe and sound :D

I know it really wasn't that detailed... but if you have any questions, let me know.