bullets

the reasons why:

i originally wrote this to show what was being shown to me. yeah, i'm the girl who had these awful dreams. i wanted to show that it happened. that i wasn't just making it up... but i didn't exactly know how to say it out loud without falling apart on the spot. i knew that everyone would call it bullshit or unimportant so i only ended up telling two people. my best friend courtney and my stupid guidance counselor at school.

courtney told me it was dangerous. to hold onto the thoughts i was cursed with.
you see, there was a shooting two weeks before i had this dream in south florida. it was haunting because before i didn't see a shooting as possible for me. but then it hit close to home and that's when i realized that it could happen anywhere and does.

a couple days after i told courtney we went to the guidance counselor and told him. he gave me the probability of it happening at my school and brushed the subject aside like it meant nothing. but it kept me up at night. sometimes i still have the reoccurring dreams. it scares me because profits used to have dreams and it gave them a picture of the future. and i've always been afraid that that's what it was.

all of those people are/were very close to me.
courtney jayden and emma are the only friends that stayed with me. bailey hallie ava and taylor however did not. and i guess it kind of left an imprint on my story. that's how i knew it was just a lucid dream. because i didn't jump in front.

on a wednesday i went to school not knowing if i would come home. the night before i wrote my family a letter. saying i was sorry. because i knew that if on the next day, an idiot with a gun and a motivation came into my school and shot, that i would jump in front of anyone i could. i told my parents where i wanted to be buried and how and what with. what i would be wearing. and all throughout that school day the two things on my mind were will i go home? and will my dad walk me down the aisle as a bride or in a casket. i personally don't think a 13 year old should think about that. let alone her own death. i didn't care though. i knew that if it were God's intentions, that my story was long enough. maybe i thought that it would change someone's life. or maybe that it would save more than one person's life. even if they despised me i'd still do it. because that day i decided that their lives were worth losing my own.

so, on the last few weeks of school i went to my principal and made a request. i asked to speak at our zero tolerance assembly. to be the familiar face in a crowd for my fellow students. to be the bullet proof vest they could rely on. so they could see that it isn't just some thing that the staff has to talk about every year. so they know that it's real and it hurts. to show them that they're not alone. so, from the lost and found,  that was my story and i'm glad i could share.