Just Fluff and Stuff

Dex

A/N who was Dex? the beginning of the story... in short...

I hated my life. Every minute of every day. It wasn't always like this. I just dug this hole I was in, and kept on digging in my desperation to get out. There wasn't any way out though. I knew that. I had known that for the last five years. Maybe that was why I was so desperate. I wanted a way for everything to make sense.

It started... with him. He was my best friend. My everything really. We did everything together. As children we were inseparable. We played on jungle gyms, went biking, swam during the summer and climbed trees with the best of them. I thought it would never end and I was happy. Things do end though.

"What's with you two? You aren't gay are you?" Those were the words that ended things. The rash words that spilled from my father's lips with derision and accusation. The ones that changed how I had to speak and act for the foreseeable future. It didn't occur to me that my relationship was anything but normal and innocent.

"No! Don't be stupid." I had tossed back with a scowl. I saw the flinch from him. I felt the sickness in my stomach as in my depths I knew. Didn't matter though. My father could never know that he was. I would do anything and everything to keep him safe from them. From everyone. I was so afraid what saying yes might have done in that moment, I forgot what saying no meant.

It meant the first shovelful of dirt. The first theft from a store to make him laugh and roll his eyes at me. The first fist thrown at the school to defend us both when someone called us names. The first girl I used to make myself feel like I was just what everyone expected. The first disappointed glance when I kissed at a party. The first foot in the hole.

Add boys shoved in lockers. Blackouts from too much alcohol. More things stolen. Innocence lost. Tough guy attitudes and late nights under the stars. My father was proud. He was an idiot too. I should have figured out that it was the wrong way to go, but it was all so perfectly distracting from the real problem. That when it was quiet, my heart hurt.

I was going to take it too far. He could see that; I could see that. He only ever did stuff that wouldn't get him too close to the edge, but not me. I tight-roped over the chasm. That is what led to the argument that ended my life. That is what drove me to jump into the abyss. I could stand it when I wasn't sure, but not when I knew.

"Don't go." Killer stood in the doorway. His leather jacket was open and his tight black jeans hugged his curves. I could see the wet droplets painted across the white t-shirt underneath. It was better to look at his body than to stare down that disappointed gaze. I knew his brow would be furrowed and his dark look leveled right at me.

"What? It'll be fine. Come on, how many times have I done this now?" I cajoled. He shook his head.

"Please don't go." He argued with me. I just laughed him off. I pulled on my boots and did them up carefully. They were my favorite after all. I always said they were good luck.

"I'm going." I said firmly. He came into the room with a look over his shoulder. He grabbed my jacket sleeve and tried to stall me from going out the open window. I hissed and rolled out of it, slipping off my jacket to leave in his hands and going out the window anyways. He watched me climb down carefully and then followed after me.

"Please Dex! I don't want you to go." He chased me across the lawn to the front of the house. He caught my shoulder and spun me around. I stumbled back when he got too close. "I love you." The last was whispered.

"What's that faggot doing here?" I heard the grumble from the garage and looked over to see my father, drunk off his ass and smoking what looked like a joint. My gut jerked in fear.

"Shut up! What the fuck do you care you bastard." I yelled at him. The rain was coming down now. I turned back to my friend, my brother really, and smiled at him grimly.

"Please Dex. Not in the rain." His eyes pleaded with me. I wondered for a split second what it could have been like. If I could have kissed those lips, held those hands, laughed with him as mine. Like a dream of sunshine on a rainy day. My head shook back and forth though on its own. I got in the car and left him standing there.

The keychain jingled as I turned over the engine. My dad shouted at me but I slammed on the gas and drove his car out of the drive, right in front of him. I laughed a little to myself at his angry expression as I drove away. Then my frown took over. Fuck it. Fuck them both. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. What would happen if I just kept on driving?

What if I just didn't go back? I could get on the highway and just drive until I didn't have anymore gas to go. My mind saw Killer, standing there where I left him in the rain. I couldn't go. He was there. I felt my tears welling up and my face got hot. Damn it! Why did he have to be him? Why did I have to be me? I screamed at the windshield.

My chest hurt so bad. My foot left the gas. The car didn't slow down. I put my foot on the brake. The car felt like it was floating. My throat closed up. What was happening? The car shuddered as it slowly turned without my hands moving the wheel. I tried to correct it, but it didn't listen. Thud. I felt the tires hit the curb.

The world spun.

I saw headlights.

Coming right for me.

I sat back in my seat.

Suddenly calm.

Suddenly sure.

And thought.

Of him.