stage 1.
anger. the thing that keeps me going when im already gone. the nasty things that drip from my lips that i never meant to say. all the dark clouded thoughts that rain down my cheeks when yell. not only does it fuel the fire that i made myself but it keeps it burning even when im fast asleep.
stage 2.
denial. bad things happen to good people but i just cant seem to accept the fact that i just wasn't good enough. no one is gone forever i tell myself consistently. hoping it'll stick to my brain & maybe one day you'll want me the way i still want you. because you're not gone, you're just not here.
stage 3.
fear. i daydream a lot. dreams bring nightmares, the ones where you wake up crying & shaking. so imagine that but while still awake. always fearing what comes next, if it will be worse than it is already. if the whispers are about you. as if you're going crazy & paranoia swallows you whole.
stage 4.
sadness. i don't feel anything anymore. i could sit here for hours on end staring at the wall & not have a single thought in my mind. when i feel a drop of water on my arm it takes me a minute to realize i've been crying this whole time. my breathes are short & my body is cold. but i don't seem to care anymore.
stage 5.
transition. i still think about you all the time. but all my emotions merged, so i don't feel as overwhelmed. my therapist said you're not my only problem. that when this happened it pushed me over the edge. most of my feelings were heightened but now they're not. of course they're still there but she gave me a pill to calm my nerves & im doing much better. she calls this the 'transitioning stage' where im not bad but im not great. im ok. its all a process that's required. one day ill be better & stronger then i am now.
stage 6.
the awakening. i feel more drawn to brighter things now. i find myself humming every tune i hear on the radio or tv. going outside during golden hour to see the sun set is the peak of my day. i finally put on makeup after so many months too. i no longer feel cold & distant, like i have this rope attached to me that pulls me closer everytime i drift away. it may not always be there, especially when i get better but it's here now. my heart beats faster now & i breathe steady. sometimes when i go to sleep my whole body hurts & my head pounds but it only happens once or twice a month. our memories rush back like a hitting rewind on a tape. but when they do i let them in, then i let them out. I've learned that process & relief go hand in hand. i love remembering now, because without remembrance i wouldn't be getting over it all. i feel as if now its getting better every time i let go of something. i just need more time, not much, but enough to realize im okay with being alone.
