Strangers and Letters // Phan

The first mistake

It was the next day, and I refused to chance confrontation again. I decided to spend lunchtime in the library, away from everybody and Phil. Thinking about what my doctor had said, I took out my journal and started writing, just about random crap at first, but then everything started the come out.

Right, something happened yesterday and I'm so confused. Why me, out of everybody they could choose? I'm sick of being upset all the bloody time, what's the point in existing if I just feel like shit??

My vision started to get blurry as tears filled my eyes, my tears splashing onto the page. I put my head down and tried to block the world out. A loud thud at my table made me jump, and I looked up to see Chris smirking at me. Looking past him, I noticed them all waking through the front doors. I can't even escape them here. Phil sat at a table near to mine, while the rest of them remained standing, staring at me.

"Awww, guys look!" Chris said, turning to the rest out the group. Everyone in the library was looking at me, but Phil remained where he was sat, facing the other way. "Little gay boys crying again. What a pussy. What are you crying about now, homo?" I desperately tried to wipe my tears away whilst standing up, ready to run away like a coward. However, I was met by PJ's sizeable hands as they shoved me to the ground. He kicked me in the balls as I crashed to the floor, and PJ said spitefully "Well you're not having kids anyway, fag!" PJ and Chris sat back at the table with the rest of their group. They occasionally looked over at me, laughing amongst themselves.

Once the physical, but not mental, pain had left my body, I stood up and walked past their table to the toilets. I could feel them staring, but didn't look at them. Luckily the stalls were empty, and I looked in the mirror as I felt a fresh wave of tears come. I heard the door open but made no effort to turn around. Everybody in the library had already seen me crying anyway thanks to Chris. The familiar smell of Bleu de Chanel wafted past my running nose, and I immediately knew who it was.

"Dan... are you okay?" He asked me. What a dickhead, trying to talk to me like he actually cares.

I tried to remain calm as I didn't really want another confrontation like yesterday. "Are you really asking me that question? You fucking saw what they did to me"

"Well.. I just came to-" Phil stammered.

I felt my mouth start to scrunch together in anger and I couldn't hold back my anger anymore "Came to laugh at me?! Came to tell me how much I deserve all of his unprovoked hatred?!" I tried to hold back my tears. "Came to tell me how useless I am just because I'm gay?! I've truly had enough with all of your friends tearing me apart and you just standing there and watching then thinking you can come and say 'Dan are you okay?' It's bullshit, Phil! ITS ALL SUCH BULLSHIT. Why are you even still here? Your buddies are probably missing you" I stared at him. My question may have sounded rhetorical however looked as if Phil was prepared to give me an answer.

"I'm still here because I-"

He was cut off by Jack walking in through the door creating a loud bang, making Phil gasp. "Phil? What the hell are you doing talking to-" Jacks looks me up and down with a look of disgust "..that?" Jack stared at Phil's back with a look of confusion, clearly impatient for an answer.

"I came to piss, obviously, but he was in the way.. as always" Phil firmly shoved me onto the wall next to the toilet cubicle. I felt a jolt of pain in my right arm but it was quite soothing compared to the brutality of those freaks of his. Phil stared into my eyes and couldn't be sure if it was a look of hatred or something else that I couldn't quite explain...