In Your Own Words

7. SUBJECT: YOU WIN

to: weston.maguire@baderu.com

from: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

subject: Re:Insecurities

sent: February 8, 2017 at 9:00am

Weston,

Are you seriously quitting?

Cassie

. . .

to: weston.maguire@baderu.com

from: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

subject: You win

sent: February 14, 2017 at 11:07pm

Weston,

It's been a week since I got your email, so I suppose that means you were serious about quitting on me. I was surprised by your words, and it takes a lot to surprise me. However, the more I thought about the things that you wrote, the more I understood what you were saying.

I'm a fairly private person. I admit that I've started this email twice before but have been struggling to complete it. It's rare that I suffer from writer's block, but I do find it difficult to write me down. There was a time that I kept journals and diaries, but the older I get, the stupider it seems to write down secrets and feelings where someone, anyone, could find them and access me.

So, fine. I can empathize with your apprehension.

It was sort of endearing that you were so trusting when we started. You went out of your way to be forthcoming, and I truly did appreciate it. I'd like to rebuild that trust if you're open to it.

I don't want you to feel, as you so offensively phrased it, like a mental ward patient. But anyway, this is me, your padded cell, talking back. Perhaps you're unwell, but at least you won't be lonely.

You took issue with the fact that you were being asked to "give" yourself to a stranger.

Please, keep all of it.

I don't want any of you, and you don't deserve any of me. What we are doing is not a surrender of ourselves. Think of it like an ongoing conversation---much less dramatic.

As I said in an earlier email, I like what you wrote. I never laughed at you.

I won't pretend that I'm the nicest girl in the world because I'm not. I'm stuck up and selfish and I have a very low tolerance for others. But just because I'm not swooning doesn't mean that I'm mocking you and the things you shared. I appreciated the time you put into writing those emails, and the content itself. I hope you will choose to continue.

I have a feeling that in getting to know me you will feel more comfortable with my knowing you, and then we can continue our correspondence. So, in the interest of knowing me: Hello Weston Maguire, I'm Cassandra Belford. I'm 21 years old. I like the colour blue and I am allergic to shellfish.

I liked reading about your life, particularly the stuff about your friend, Peter. I couldn't relate to everything in your emails, but that level of friendship is well within my sphere of understanding.

My friend is Simon.

Friend is a trivial word, isn't it? Even when sandwiched between 'best' and 'forever' it seems inadequate. Yet it's the most appropriate term to describe Simon and our important relationship without assumptions being drawn. Tell me, which word would you use to describe my beating heart? Because that is essentially what he is; Simon is proof that there is something in my chest and that it works.