Illusion

Chapter 15 : Journals, Conditions And Fragile Masculinity

Friday 13th July 2018.

Entry #224

I haven't written anything in this journal for what feels like the longest time. I've been so busy actually LIVING life, that I haven't felt the need to ponder and contemplate on anything that I may be missing out on. I'm not missing out on the simple things in life anymore. I'm not yearning for something, needing something, wanting something to fill the hole in my heart and my life.

Because you see, that hole is no longer there. The yearning and pining for what my heart wanted more than anything is gone. I have finally found my home.

My home that is sapphire eyes and tanned skin. My home that sings like an angel, my only angel.

My home that is strong thighs and lips so good I forget my own name. My home that is crinkled eyes and a dimpled spine. My home, that is Louis.

Wherever I go and whatever I do, he is always on my mind. But there are those who would see us apart. Those narrow minded individuals who would rather I portray an image of being a drunken womanizer, rather than an image of devoted love, simply because the person I love is a man.

A strong, beautiful, intelligent and fiercely loyal man. But we do not get to decide who it is our heart chooses to love. That is not for us to decide. It is fate. It is destined. It is the type of love few can only dream of knowing in their lifetime. A love, that happens only once in a lifetime.

And it is for this reason, that I now find myself wondering if I can go on with the career I have chosen. To tour the world, spending night after night alone in faceless, nameless hotel rooms, that after a few could all be the same. But more importantly, do I WANT to? Do I want to continue on this journey alone?

The fans adore me, I know that. I make them happy and fill them with joy. I make them feel safe, accepted. But at what cost? At what personal expense? Am I doomed to be alone, apart from the man and the life I have grown to love so much? Am I forsaken to this lonely, closeted existence?

The fans, the true fans, they know. They want only my happiness and what is best for me. They know that what Louis and I share is more than an alcohol fueled mistake, a phase.

And as for my so called "team", well, they can attempt to thwart us, thwart the fans at every turn. They can block their tweets and throw NDA's around like confetti, but I know the truth, Louis knows the truth, those that matter to us know the truth and so do all of our fans. And yes, my amazing, devoted and loyal fans, Larry is real. Do not lose faith in us, don't be discouraged, never give up hope. We hear you, we see you and we love you.

But if my options continue to remain the same, if I have to choose between fame and fortune, being oppressed and controlled, or to be with the love of my life, free and happy, there is no question of which of the two I will choose.

Louis...

It will always be Louis. Today, tomorrow, or a thousand years from now. I will choose Louis. Now and always.

H .

...

Harry stuffed his leather journal underneath the couch cushion as he heard Louis clomping around upstairs, clearly out of the shower now. He quickly whipped his phone out of his pocket and attempted to act as naturally as possible, not wanting Louis to know what he'd been up to.

For a few weeks now, Harry had been contemplating his life, his career and his future. He thought he had his life figured out, planned for him right down to what time he was allowed to brush his teeth. But that had all flown out the window the day he'd met Louis.