Illusion

Chapter 20 : Fight or Flight, Turnarounds and Malicious Meetings

Mark pulled up to the front of Louis' house a little after 5 pm. Louis had been at the hospital for just over four hours before he'd finally convinced Dr. Peats that he was ok and wasn't going to have another panic attack as soon as he left the hospital. Dea had begged him to listen to Dr. Peats and stay overnight for observation, but he was adamant he would be fine. He was a grown man after all. He'd also let it slip that his mum was a nurse, so in the event he did have another panic attack, he'd have someone there who knew how to help him. Dr. Peats didn't need to know she wouldn't be home until tomorrow morning though, so to appease him he'd agreed to take the sleeping pills the doctor had prescribed for him.

Louis was still in somewhat low spirits as he and Dea exited the car and went into the house. He'd finally been confronted by his injuries, as a kind nurse named Lara had changed his dressings for him. Dr. Peats had rambled on about stitches, soft tissue damage, bruising and burst blood vessels, but Louis hadn't really been listening to him. All he could focus on was the overwhelming reality that he relied on Harry as a source of strength far more than he'd realised and that if he had been there it would have no doubt gone much more smoothly.

He'd always been an independent and resourceful person. Able to deal, somewhat, with difficult situations. Even if his methods of coping were sometimes questionable, he had always been able to be the strong one for his mum and Lottie. Ever since he'd met Harry, he didn't have to be that person all of the time. He didn't always have to be strong. He didn't always have to hold it together and put a smile on his face and pretend everything was ok.

Harry gave him the opportunity to not be ok if he wasn't, assuring him that sometimes everyone needed a break from being the strong one. Harry helped him to share the load, helped him to carry his proverbial baggage, so that the weight of it wasn't resting entirely on Louis' shoulders. But not this time. He'd left him to bear it all on his own, and Louis was struggling. Feeling as though he was trapped in quicksand, sinking further into it as each stressful minute passed by that Harry wasn't there.

"Tea?" He asked Dea, wandering slowly into the kitchen, in no real hurry to do anything. He was exhausted, and his chest still hurt.

"I would love one. Today has been very long."

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that today, Dea. I- I'm so ashamed of myself." Louis had the decency to look ashamed.

"Don't be. You sometimes can't always be strong, Lou. It's human." Louis looked at her and smiled a small, genuine smile. Harry had said the exact same thing to him once before. All he had to do now was convince himself that what they were telling him was the truth.

After Louis made them both a cup of hot tea, they headed down to the studio, where they curled up on the Chesterfield under a fluffy blanket. It smelled of Harry's vanilla body wash, and it took all Louis had in him not to bundle it up to his nose and take a deep breath. He knew he would look like a complete idiot, and it would probably be painful to take such a deep breath at this point. Therefore he simply moved his face closer to the blanket, so that the scent filled his nose as he breathed in and out. He wished Harry was with him. It seemed that no matter what he did or where he went he was reminded of Harry. Reminded that he wasn't there with him, and he needed a distraction.

"I meant to ask you earlier," Louis began after they had been sat in silence for a while. "Why didn't Caroline come with you? I hope she doesn't mind staying at home by herself. She is welcome to come down here you know." Dea looked at him sheepishly, a worried look on her face, opening and closing her mouth a few times as if she was unsure what to say.

"Well," she began, looking at him, an almost heartbroken expression crossing her face. "Caroline is not here. She has gone home to Belgium." Her voice was so small.