Atheist With Existential Crisis

The beginning of new line

Tonight I sit alone as usual in this dark park thinking about this morning.

This morning I seen a guy, seemingly happy guy jump to his death.

The face of that guy still stay inside my mind and I couldn't take it out
His smile, his laugh, his goofy act, all about that guy seems so familiar, it's just I don't know who is, why he's so familiar ?

After his death, his family took his body and immediately arrange his funeral.

I don't know what power that drives me to attend that guy funeral but it feels supranatural, like there's somekind of power that force me to see him one last time.

At the funeral, most of his family couldn't hold their tears, his mother screaming and yelling with the most painful scream I've ever heard, in her eyes I can see disbelief and sadness, she keep screaming and shaking the body like a madman.

Poor woman, I can't help but feel sad about her, I mean she's just can't handle it.

A tears slowly pour down from my eyes, I can't help it, it's like I can feel her pain and I want to cheer her up, I just wanna go there and hug her, telling her that he's in a better place now.

But who am I to do so ?

As the funeral proceed, I heard some people in the back whispering to each other, they are looking at the casket with disgust and keep talking about how coward and weak that guy is.

They also mention about how selfish he is for commit suicide and about how he supposed to seek help or at least talk to someone about it.

Hearing at the whole conversation I can't help but think, is he really a coward ?

I don't think so, I mean this guy, I don't know what his passing through but no matter what is it, it must be worse enough to force to take his own life.

I mean just think, how much pain should it takes to push someone to the edge when he couldn't even see another choices but forcefully take his own life and actually do it ?

I don't think this guy is coward, this guy is brave enough to take his own life, he's not afraid of death anymore, thats my friend, the bravest thing in the world.

I also don't believe he's weak, I believe he's tired of being strong for too long.
Too strong until the point that he can't take it anymore and just break apart.

I mean even the strongest metal breaks apart if they are forced to be strong for to long.

And about being selfish ?

No this guy isn't selfish, most of people who kill themselves usually think they are helping other people by killing themselves.

In their mind, they see themselves as a problem, a burden, a worthless being.

In their mind, all they care about is the happiness of others when they gone.

In their mind, they see themselves as selfish creature if they keep living cause they see they existence as a form of uncomfortable burden towards everyone around them.

See their intentions are good, all they want is to help others, they don't want anyone to get hurt by their existence anymore, therefore they sacrifice themselves.

And the last thing, I'm almost laughing at the last thing they talked about, seek help.

Like what ?
Talk to people ?

Huh, like it would work, let's be honest, we life in the most egoistic era of history, people barely care about anyone else besides themselves,
I mean I got my own problems, I don't have time for yours as they usually said.

They are all hypocrite, only show fake form of affection when the guy already dead and they don't even do so because they care but more because they want to be seen that they care, that they actually hurt, or because they just feeling sorry of themselves, huh but it's already to late.

That guy already dead.

What an irony, this guy died because of loneliness but his funeral crowded by people.

I wonder where those people when he beg for help.

Pffffffftttttt, what's done is done, all we can do is moving on with life.
Lucky for me I still got my own life.

That's what I think while I walked to the coffin to pay my last respect to this guy.

My heart suddenly stopped when I see that guy face for the first time.

There laying in the casket, wearing a tuxedo with his family crying around him, none other than myself.