People say that love is the centre of life itself, the whole point entirely. I’d argue otherwise, instead I like to think of it as one big fat distraction from the terrible thing we see as a gift. Life. Without love we’re cold and lonely, but we’re also a lot smarter. Love makes people stupid, blind- numb to the reality. In conclusion, it’s inevitably painful. Which in itself is ironic seeing as there are some people in this world who truly believe that love itself is inevitable- you can’t run away from it. Whomever you were ‘destined’ to be with, you will be with in the end. That’s pretty scary though, right?
But I don’t believe in destiny, or fate, or even God. So where will that leave me? My name is Bethany Nolan and I don’t believe in love.
409 days before
I like winter. For a lot of reasons, Christmas, the possibility of snow, big sweaters and hot chocolate being some of them. But the most philosophical reason I can think of, is a fresh start. It’s impossible to live through life without needed fresh starts, which sucks really because you can’t just simply start your life over again although that would be most ideal. So instead I settle for changing with the seasons. With autumn brings the downfall of the leaves and by winter the trees look pretty lifeless. As daunting and generally sad as this may sound, this is all just a reminder that any season could be my last. Death can take you down at any second, might as well make the most of things right?
Anyway, it was must have been early December in London, and I- to put it frankly, was freezing my arse off. I pulled the hood of my grey sweater over my head and slipped down the alleyway between two large apartment buildings. Yeah, you may have been thinking ‘London? Bet she’s made of money then.’ As much as I’d love to play little rich girl, that wasn’t the case. Instead I was living in the shittier part of London in a studio apartment. But honestly? I didn’t really mind, I loved my shitty little apartment with its brick walls and the odd back wall made of blackboard. I loved the shower that was either way too hot or freaking freezing. I loved London.
I padded up the black metal stairs as the rain got suddenly heavier and tried not to slip in my black converse. I shoved my hand into my jeans pocket and grabbed the metal shapes I recognised as my keys. When I got inside I kicked off my converse and stripped down to my underwear, throwing my dirty clothes into the hamper. With the small metal fireplace lit and a mug of whatever tea my mum had recommended for me to try in my hands, I curled up in a chair and started flicking through tv channels.
It was nothing special on really, in the news a girl had been missing for 4 days now. She was only 17, which tugged at my heart a little knowing she was the same age as me. Poor thing, I hoped that wherever she was, she was at least alive. I tried not to watch TV too often seeing as I was easily manipulated by donation advertisements. I hated seeing people in distress, which my mother always saw as endearing but frankly it was annoying. It was my biggest weakness. My phone suddenly buzzed from the wooden coffee table and I jumped a little sending my tea down my shirt. “Shit,” I mumbled and answered the phone.
“Well that’s no way to answer the phone, you cow,” my best friend Sam answered from the other side of the line. I grinned and sat up setting my tea on the table.
“How’s Cyprus?” I asked, ignoring her own greeting.
“Hot,” she answered quickly. Obviously she’d been asked this a lot already. “But the beaches are to die for. I haven’t even needed to use fake tan yet!” I rolled my eyes.
“Well, its complete shit here so make the most of it-“
“Ah,” Sam interrupted me. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, I’m not going to be home for a couple more weeks. I kind of met some girls here and they have this to die for-“as apparently everything is in Cyprus- “home here in the city and they’ve invited me to stay a while longer. That’s cool right?”
I leaned back into the sofa. “’Course it is. We’ll just catch up when you’re home- look I’ve got to make dinner, call you tomorrow or something?”
She agreed and then that was it. I missed her. I shook the thoughts of my best friend from my mind and instead focused on food. One thing was for sure, I was not in the mood to cook and then have to clear away. I grabbed my phone again and with a blanket wrapped around my bare shoulders, I dialled the number for the pizza place two streets from here.
Pizza ordered, I tossed my blanket onto the sofa and went to take a shower. Hot water is good for two things. 1. Showering. 2. Thinking.
For some reason I always had my deepest thoughts when my brown hair was stuck to the lower of my back and my face was under the steam and water. I thought about my mum, she was living with her new husband – aka, the reason I left home at 17- in the better parts of London. I was happy for her of course, living the life I’d always wanted for her. Just not with the man I wanted her to be living it with. Which trailed my thoughts over to my dad- it was a pretty deep part of my mind that I dared not to venture into often. I was in the middle of considering whether or not to actually call Sam back tomorrow when the harsh sound of the apartment buzzer echoed into the bathroom. I cursed and stepped out from under the short-lasting serenity. I wrapped myself in a clean towel and scrubbed my wet hair with another as I ran to the door- almost tripping over my scruffy converse.
With the door pulled open only as much as necessary I poked my head through the crack and allowed my eyes to adjust to seeing through the harshness of the dark.
“Who the hell are you?” I blurted before I could stop myself and think of something a little nicer. My normal pizza guy who was small and skinny with bad acne was replaced by someone of the complete opposite. He scowled at me through the darkness, one eyebrow arched.
“You ordered pizza didn’t you?” he demanded with the same tone, but his accent was – American? . I was suddenly a little happier about not greeting him with warm milk and cookies. His dirty blonde hair was soaked and slopping over his forehead a little and if he hadn’t of given me a look so daggering I might of felt bad for him. Delivering pizzas at 7pm on a Friday evening probably wasn’t the way any guy would want to spend his time- he looked pretty young.
I just bit my lip and nodded. “Sorry.” I forced myself to say, his eyes narrowed but more from the downpour of the rain that had intensified. Could it really rain any harder? I silently complained. He turned and dug my pizza box from his bag. “You’re just not my regular guy, where’s Jamie?” Jamie and his father were really good friends of my mothers, it was nice to see his face now and again. Especially now, I thought again looking at the boy standing outside on the landing of the metal stairs. He held the pizza box out to me at arm’s length. I bit my lip and opened the door a little wider to take it from his wet hands and exchanging it with a ten pound note.
“Jamie’s in hospital,” he said looping the strap of his bag over his neck and around one shoulder. “Now if you’ll excuse me-“
“Wait what?” I stepped outside of my door into the rain as he started to descend down the steps. “He’s- what’s he- why’s he in hospital?” I shivered as the cold rain hits my bare arms. The guy turned and paced back up the steps, not even acknowledging that I was standing in the rain in a towel- which I was highly grateful for. He stood looking down at me through the heavy rain, water dripping from his face.
“You know him well?” he just asked quickly and I nodded and opened my mouth to ask what happened to him for a second time. “He- well, he couldn’t breathe properly…I don’t know exactly-“
“What do you know? Do you know which hospital it is?”
“St. Thomas’s.”
I spun around and threw my pizza on the floor of the apartment and ran into my bedroom not caring if he was gone or not. I had to get to that hospital. Tonight.
a/n- *Hope you enjoyed the first chapter, Matt will be brought in more in the next few chapters. Posting chapter two fairly soon after this, any suggestions my twitter user is @sometimesmeg x
