I want to tell you that from that night onwards it was smooth sailing for Matt and I. Unfortunately that was nowhere near the case. I didn’t see or hear from Matt over the next three days. I tried to keep myself occupied and my mind busy and away from anything Matt-related. Somehow he only invaded my thoughts even more every time I attempted to shut him out.
Is he going to call me?
Show up at my apartment with a ton of plans that I have no interest in doing?
Just randomly appear once again? If so, when?
Those are pretty much the questions I’d rotated around and tried to answer myself from every angle. The truth was, he just disappeared for a while. I hadn’t even given him my number- now it comes to mind, he never even asked for it. He had tendency to just…appear at the right time.
Instead of moping around my apartment behaving like that girl- y’know, the one whose life ends because of a guy she just met- I had relieved Tom from his daytime duties at the hospital. It didn’t feel like work to me, being with Jamie. I didn’t know how much time we had with him, and he was important to me. So while Tom worked during the day at the pizza place, Jamie and I sat and talked about anything and everything there was to talk about. He’d even gotten me to play chess with him, at first it was an absolute disaster! I was completely clueless about chess, but after 14 games within a 3 day period I was almost as good as him.
“Have you heard from Matthew?” Jamie asked during one of our games. My head snapped at his name, but more of in an alarmed way than any sort of excitement.
“No,” I swallowed. “Why? I mean, have you?”
Jamie shook his head, took his turn and gestured toward me to go. I took my turn carelessly and shoved my hands back quickly onto my lap. Jamie sighed and ran his hand roughly through his brown hair.
“Look, I don’t get him either,” he began. “Sometimes he’s the best guy- one of the most reliable people ever. And then just like that, he’s…the worst. It’s hard to understand I don’t expect you to get it Beth, I just don’t want you to feel like his constant disappearing is anything personal.”
I waited a beat to see if he’d continue and let myself process his words.
“So he’s like what, bipolar or something?” It would be a believable explanation…
“No,” Jamie half laughed. “He’s just always been like this. I don’t know if its personal shit or, fuck knows. That’s just the way he is now, you won’t know when you’ll next see him.” He shrugged and closed the chess set. “You’ll be okay Beth.”
It wasn’t a question, and he didn’t need to explain to me what he meant in the same way I didn’t need to tell him what was bothering me. We was always able to communicate that way, just another connection that will leave me whiplashed when it finally breaks. When he’s not here anymore.
* * *
Another 3 days and still nothing.
* * *
Waiting.
* * *
And waiting.
* * *
For something, anything.
* * *
A week past and somehow it became a little easier to just get on with my days. Although they were dreary, repetitive and simple- I was content with the consistency. No one popped up at my door demanding to take me to dinner, or anyone to turn up in my life and set a grenade of confusion off.
I hadn’t heard from Sam since she last called me to tell me she wouldn’t be home till next week. So you can imagine my surprise when she sent me a text message to be home for 10 that night. I stared at my phone screen for a moment and tried to make reason with what she was suggesting. I checked the time on my phone, it was nearly 8:45. I’d just left Tom and Jamie who was now at home- and thankfully a lot better.
I tried to call her three times on the bus home, all three times she failed to answer which made me laugh. Whatever it was she had planned she was obviously deeply caught up in it. Despite our major differences in personality and interests, my best friend was home and I was overwhelmed with relief to have a girl back in my life to talk too. Before long I found myself rounding the corner and walking down into the alleyway. From the bottom of the staircase I could hear music blaring and I was highly curious as to how one person could be raving it up all on their own. Then again, it was Sam. So long as there was alcohol present and music at hand, she could party all night alone and not see a difference.
I shoved the door open to have it jammed by something, the only thing I could see was people. A sea of head bobbing up and down to the thundering of whatever music was playing. I wasn’t paying attention, instead I was trying to identify two, three- hell, one face that I knew. I shoved past the animals that stunk of alcohol and clawed my way through the crowds. One girl was passed out on our sofa and I tried not to think of how many patches of vomit I’d find the next morning.
“Excuse me,” I continued to repeat until I got to the kitchen. The lights were off and people were still hovering, slobbering over one another on the counter tops and any surface they could find available really. I made my way through and towards the other door on the opposite side of the kitchen which led into Sam’s room. The beaded garlands she used as an alternative for a door were knotted, I parted them with a struggle and thanked God for a little peace and quiet.
I’d always liked Sam’s room, she had a bohemian sort of theme going with the Chinese lanterns and artwork, not to mention she basically was maintaining her own garden with all the wild plants that were growing in plant pots around the room. This one time though, my eyes didn’t notice anything but the boy who stood in the far corner of the room looking up at one of the Chinese paintings on the wall. Even through bad lighting I recognised his dark blonde hair and the way he held himself.
“Do you have a habit for just showing up unexpectedly or am I the exception here?” I spoke after a moment. I’d meant to sound annoyed- because I was annoyed. He had just disappeared for an entire week after giving me some sort of hope that I’d finally broken whatever walls he continued to build against the world.
Matt turned around at the first note of my voice. He just looked at me blankly, the way I’m sure he’d learned to do so that no one could read his expressions. It worked well.
“Bethany.”
“Oh, so you do remember me then?” I crossed my arms and shook my head. “You’ve been in my life not even a full week and you get me so- so” I threw my arms up in the air with frustration and grabbed at my hair. Matt crossed the room and took hold of my wrists gently, his eyes on mine. I reminded myself to keep my breathing steady, but my heart deceived me and I felt like it was beating loud and fast enough for him to hear. God, I hoped he didn’t hear. After a moment he led my arms down to my sides and I let him. In such a close proximity, I could have forgotten to breathe. He tended to have that effect on me. I hadn’t even realised he had guided me back until I felt the wall against my back, his hands still wrapped around my wrists.
“I missed you.” I felt his breathe against my forehead as he whispered the words into my hair. I just looked up at him as he moved his head back a little so that his eyes met mine again. “A lot.” Before I could respond his lips were pressed against mine, his grip on my wrists tightening a little- pinning them behind me. I couldn’t move but at the same time, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I could only find myself kissing him back and saving my anger for later. He wasn’t going to get away with the way he’d treated Jamie and I, but for now I didn’t want to do anything else except kiss the idiot.
