The Side-Effects of Happiness

Chapter Twelve

SHILOH

My heart is pounding as I race to my car. Oh my god. Nolan just basically came out to me in the worst way ever.
Shiloh,
Idk what else to say other than,
TEXT ME!!!
(And maybe that I like you a whole lot?)
* Nolan Price xx
I don't have a phone. I can't call him nor can I text him and I'm so stressed that I actually might cry.
I have absolutely no idea how the hell I was supposed to work in the state I'm currently in. Thankfully, it had started raining so, hopefully we would be slow.
My heart was hammering so hard that I was panting when I reached my car. I couldn't help pulling the note back out and reading it again. He scribbled all over it, little cute sketches and doodles that looked like full on works of art that should be framed in a museum.
It's not a surprise that he drew on it, the surprise here is that Nolan fucking Price likes men!
And what's even more shocking, he likes me.
This felt like some weird fever dream or as if I had entered an alternate universe or something along those lines. The fever was the more likely option but I haven't ruled out the latter.
It wouldn't even faze me if I woke up any second now. But, it was real, I could feel the paper in my fingers and see where he smudged it by accident since he's a lefty and where he mistakenly dripped his coffee on it.
Holy shit.
This is real. This is real and Nolan likes me.
"Oh my god, he's gay." I whisper aloud to myself. I let out this stupidly excited scream that makes me sound like a teen girl at a One Direction concert.
I honestly couldn't figure out if I should be excited or upset.
I stick the note back in my pocket and start my car. I had to get home and talk to Leo.
But, my clock says otherwise with fifteen minutes til my shift at Vice & Virtue. "Fuck!" I groan and hit the steering wheel. "Why on earth did I agree to shifts at three!?"
I peel out of the parking lot and speed off to work.
When I get to work, it's pouring outside and there's only Bruno in the building. Thank god.
"Bruno!" I beam and run behind the counter.
"Hey, Shi! You look excited." He says with a grin on his face while I pull an apron over my clothes.
"I'm both excited and horrified!" I cheer and he looks at me weird, laughing at my antics.
"Why is that?" He asks.
I lean close to him before speaking, I can tell my eyes have that spark that Nolan's always have. "He likes me too." I whisper with utter passion and excitement.
"I'm so happy for you!" He cheers. "Do you have a date planned?"
I frown and bite my lip. "That's the issue," I pull out the note and hand it to him. He scans it quickly and hands it back, seemingly confused. "I don't have a phone."
"You don't?" He gawks in disbelief.
"Nope. I can't afford one." I huff and he pats my shoulder.
"It'll work out. You seem to really like him and I think he likes you a lot too, don't worry." He smiles genuinely at me and I return it.
"Thank you, so much, Bruno."

NOLAN

I was horribly quiet the entire ride home with Jasper. I feel vaguely like I'm having a small panic attack with how hard my heart is beating and the tingling in my fingertips, so, I just keep my mouth shut as to not worry Jas.
"Are you doing okay? You've been really weird today." Jasper glances my way.
"Fine. Just stressed. You know how I get." I mumble, playing with the ring on my middle finger. It was a simple gold band that had a wood-like texture to it. My aunt gave it to me and said it's to symbolize my strength. I love her so much even though she's not around much.
"Okay. I'm here to listen if you need." He hums quietly as he pulls into my driveway.
"Thanks, Jas." I smile weakly before stepping from his truck and grabbing my bag, throwing it over my shoulder and hurrying inside. The rain was horrible and I was soaked by the time I made it in the house.
Aunt Cecilia isn't home and all I hope right now is that there's no thunder and darkness. I'm already trembling at the thought of being alone. Being alone back home meant that it was only a matter of time, normally only moments before I wasn't okay.
I'm always afraid that it will happen again. I live in constant fear of hearing the creak of my broken bedroom door.
I shake my head and throw my bag down by the door. I have to take several deep breaths to calm my racing heart. I didn't know what the hell my body was freaking out over or what my brain was saying. All I could hear was Shiloh's voice ringing out over all the jabbering static in my head.
"I could never have feelings for you. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I love you back."
Even though he never said it to me, it felt like he did with how convincing my brain was.
I think everything would hurt less if my brain would shut up.
I felt like a fraud at all times because people liked me and I made myself what they wanted me to be so that they would keep liking me. I was playing pretend all the time, every moment I was living was a lie to impress the people around me and make them like me. I wasn't me unless I was with Shiloh because he was undeniably himself all the time and he made me feel safe. He didn't hide himself or that stupidly large smile and that wonderful snort of his.
I have always been in love with him because I wanted to be what he was. I love him because he's everything that I could ever want.
But, I knew he wasn't going to call. I always knew he never would call me. I just needed the hope that he would to make me feel alright. When I just think of him, I don't feel like I'm alone.
Right now though, I've never felt so alone.
I shuffle into my living room and put on the T.V. deciding on Netflix instead of cable because cable television sucks.
I spend maybe thirty minutes trying to find something only to inevitably put on New Girl for the thousandth time. I've watched every episode at least ten times each in the past six months alone.
It was like a comfort object for me. I pause the episode five minutes in to go get my blanket off my bed before returning to the couch and resuming the first episode.
I sit there, blankly staring at the television for at least twenty minutes, wrapped in my blanket so that only my face and a few strands of hair stuck out. This was the first time that I didn't just zone out and become absorbed into the show and not think for a while. I couldn't shut my head off.
This wasn't my first time being rejected or even having something heavy weighing on my shoulders but, it's hitting me harder than anything ever has. Well, that's not entirely true. Either way, I can't stop thinking about fucking Shiloh.
It hurts because he's the first person that I ever fancied and he's the reason that I was feeling better again. I had deep feelings for him that were planted in me the day we met and he ripped those roots right out of my body when he ran off today. I felt like I was empty, like I was hollow.
And, now, I couldn't stop crying. I felt weak and alone and my chest hurt so badly I felt like I may pass out.
The pathetic sobs that came from me rang bare and vacant in the lonely place that I had to call home. I shake so hard that it feels like my body is convulsing and I can't breathe. I know that I'm having an anxiety attack, it's not something out of the ordinary but, this is one that I've never felt before. It's never hurt before. My muscles ache from how hard I'm shaking and how stiff and tense my body is. My body is all pins and needles, even my face and I can feel every tear that run over my cheeks almost burn.
I felt this looming pain and sadness, like it was filling the house and suffocating me. All over a crush. All over some stupid boy.
It frustrates me how stupid this is and how pathetic it makes me feel.
I've been trying so hard for years to get to where I was, close enough that I could just touch him and I had to ruin it. Just because he told me he was gay, I ruined it. Because I thought, maybe, just maybe, Shiloh could like me back. Maybe him and I could be happy boyfriends. I mean, we can't even be anything more than friends beyond closed-doors so it could work anyway.
I thought he felt the same, I was convinced to the core that he did but it was just my deep, crushing hope that wanted it to be real. None of it was. He was my friend and those looks he gave me and those words he said were because of that reason and because of my undeniable, massive and painful crush I have on him that made my stupid brain think 'maybe'. I should've known.
Shiloh Bishop doesn't talk to many people, he's only ever had a handful of friends and they've all left him. I should've know that he was just happy that he had somebody that wasn't Frankie Hill. I should've known that he smiled at me that way and that he looked at me with that look because he was happy that I was there and not because he wants to be with me.
I can feel myself sinking, like I'm falling down a hole that I can't climb out of. It's almost as if the ground is slowly giving way and no matter how hard or vigorously I claw at the dirt walls around me, the hole gets deeper and the walls more brittle. I can't climb out on walls that crumble in my grasp.
This is a never ending spiral downwards. I manage to pull myself all the way back to the top and just before I get out of the hole, the ledge breaks away and I fall farther than I ever did before.
The squeal of the old hinges on my front door scream. They're never this loud but, right now, everything except for the things that matter stand out like a spanked, bare ass in the snow.
"Nolan?" A voice that managed to bring my heart rate down from near-heart attack levels, calls my name.
I open my mouth to speak, but, a sob comes instead. Either way, the door closes and I flinch at how loud it is to me before a blobby, dark version of Jasper comes into view. Rubbing the tears from my eyes makes it slightly easier to see him but the blackened oval around my vision aren't helping me at all.
"It's okay," He says and his voice has so much passion and kindness in it that it makes me cry harder. Jasper was just a fucking blessing.
The couch dips near my feet and my legs are lifted into his lap. I hear the rustle of a plastic bag being placed on the floor.
"Nolan?" Jasper speaks and I look up, it takes me a moment to lock my gaze on him. He has his arms spread and I just about throw myself across the couch and into him. He hugs me and rests his chin on top of mine. I felt so weak, here in the arms of my best friend.
I never thought I would end up in this place. He's never seen me have an attack like this before, the closest he's gotten is the time I hyperventilated during a storm and hid in his closet. He joined me and told me stories to block out the sound of the thunder. This was a few years ago, back when I would legitimately bawl my eyes out if it started to rain. My point is that he was there for me then and for some reason, he's still here.
"Is it the storm?" He asks me and I shake my head, sniffling and letting out a mixture between a cough and a sob into his chest.
He rubs my back and keeps his hold on me firm. I almost laugh a little when I think about how this is probably how those stupid thunder blankets feel on a dog. It felt nice to have somebody here with me when I'm losing my goddamn mind.
"Is it-... Uh..." He seems to be struggling to find a way to phrase his question without making me panic more.
"Shiloh." Is all I say and it's all I have to say. I've never told Jasper about my attraction to men and especially not my love of Shiloh, but he still understands. I don't think I have to tell him because he has probably probably figured it out on his own by now.
"You're okay, Nolan... I promise I won't leave." He reassures.
I nod and that's all that has to be said. Nothing needs to be said around him. Sometimes, I think that he could read my mind because he just seems to get me.
Jasper lets me cry on him and doesn't demand any answers from me, asking questions and having conversations with me, even without getting any reply. He talks and talks and talks and I don't think that anything has ever been so calming.
Nothing but that night that I practically slept in Shiloh's arms.
But, right now, I don't want to think about him. He doesn't matter.
The special-edition Twizzlers in the bag from Jasper and the kids movies on the television is all that does matter right now.
Jasper is all that has to matter for the rest of the night.