It was so early when we were both awake. It wasnt even light out yet but we werent tired. Even though we didnt sleep last night. We just stayed awake, looking at each other. Gazing into one anothers eyes, not saying a word and I liked it. Not the fact that he was leaving in the morning. Just the fact that we werent crying. But if we did talk. We would be crying. I know we would be crying.
This morning we werent crying either. We got up and I went straight to the kitchen to make breakfast because if I even looked at him today I think Id throw up out of greif and fear. We didnt speak as I cooked but I could feel his stare.
I just wish this was like a normal morning. Id already be up and making breakfast because if I even let James anywhere near a stove he'd burn the house down. Then he would wake up and greet me by wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and kissing the back of my neck gently. He'd whisper "Good morning, love." into my neck and it would shout shivers down my spine. I loved that. I love him.
But I couldnt tell him that today. It was too hard but I knew I would. Then the minute he left Id regret not saying it a thousand times this morning. Id think about how stupid it was that my own sadness got so deep into me that I couldnt even say that I loved my own husband enough.
Say something, anything. I yelled in my head but no words were coming to me to say. No thoughts at all as if I went brain dead. As I turned I opened my mouth with a deep breath, getting ready to say something I didnt even know yet. But James started to talk before I could get a word out which I was thankful for.
"Dont say goodbye yet. Im not leaving. If you want to say you love me. Dont say it as if Im about to walk out the door." He said, his voice sweet and soft. He was always so kind. He wasnt meant for war. But in a way he was. I sat down in front of him, staring right at him as he started to talk again. "Please, pretend as if Im not leaving soon."
Then it was silent. We stared at each other for a moment before starting to eat. I couldnt eat though. I just kept poking at the food hoping this was a dream and Id soon wake up. "But you are leaving soon." I muttered to him and then dead silence. The silence that is not at all comfortable. The type that makes you want to scream and make as much noise as you can to get you away from your thoughts.
He dropped his fork and that broke the tension slightly but some how added more. I looked up at him with large doe eyes and he did something that took me by surprise. He smiled. Just slightly, a tiny smirk. He got up from the table and nodded. "You're right. Were adults. We should face the fact that I am leaving." He then grew a much bigger smile that seemed only a little bit fake. He held out his hand and I put mine in his hesitantly. Has he gone mad. I looked up at him with curiousity as he yanked my arm and pulled me on my feet. "But we've never been the type to handle things as adults."
He then pulled me close, putting his free hand that wasnt holding mine on my waist. I smiled widely and wrapped my arms around his neck as we started to dance. He hummed loudly, twirling us both around the kitchen in the ways we used too. It wasnt a very good dance but we found it fun and hysterical. We spun and dipped for what seemed like hours and the whole house was filled with laughter, so much I figured the whole world could hear us.
We stopped for a moment to catch our breath, my body pressed against his and his hin on the top of my head. Finally he kissed the top of my head and with his lips stil there he whispered. "Want to help me put on my uniform. I slowly looked up at him, realizing it was starting to get lighter and the house was now filled with sunshine. I nodded. "It would be my pleasure."
I fixed his jacket and straightened his tie, getting him ready to send him out the door like a kid on his first day of school. We stood outside as the taxi waited for him. He held me close in his arm and we were smiling at each other. I dont think it was forced either. But I think it was because we hadnt said goodbye yet.
"I love you." I whispered to him and he said it back. "Be safe." I said and he told me to be safe too. "I mean it.. A man like you comes along only once.. And I cant afford to lose you." He smiled now sadly as mine became sad too. My eyes filled with tears and I opened my mouth to say something else but he kissed me hard an passionately before I could. I dont think he could take it if I continued... Neither could I though.
When we pulled away he let go of me and started to walk backwards to the taxi.
"Ill see you soon, love!" He said to me and I nodded, smiling as tears started to stream down my face. "Goodbye, my love." I replied.
