Her List of Kisses

Chapter 14- Breaking Hearts and Concealer Smudges

There are storm clouds behind my eyes, and with every moment they fill a little more, inching closer to the downpour. I look to the sky, letting the actual raindrops join the chaos. Will dropped my hand a few minutes ago, but his open palm faces me, as if he is hoping I’ll change my mind and take it back.

I want to. Oh, how I want to do that.

But I can’t.

“I love the rain,” I say instead, inhaling deeply to smell the sweet newness of rain on hot ground. He nods encouragingly, his silence an open book for me to fill with words. While I think on how to proceed, the rain runs through my hair and down my neck, over the place where my love bite is fading. The water feels like it’s a living, breathing part of me, one that understands. “It’s sad, like me.”

Will steps closer. “Why are you so upset, Chloe? How can I help you?”

“I have to tell you about my brother.”

There. I said it. The words, being out in the open, bar the way back and force me to continue.

“I’m listening,” Will assures me.

“Mark and I were both thirteen. We were twins, and his heart- there was something wrong. I just remember my mum telling me how it didn’t work as it should. I barely saw him at all that year- he was all locked up in hospital for most of it. But-”

I choke off, ending my mini-monologue with a sob. The swings sway before me, and Will, who is dripping with rain and has pain in his eyes, takes me into his arms. Once again I break away from his grasp and take two steps further into the park. His hand is left hovering in the loneliness of mid-air.

“But,” I continue, trailing my hand along the chain of the closest swing, “Mark was dying. He had a rare blood disease, and had to have a heart transplant from someone with the identical blood type to his. If I had time for him, I would have known that I could have saved him. We were twins, after all. Identical twins, identical blood type.”

“Doing that would have killed you,” says Will.

“Yes,” I say. “But I was at home, writing bloody kiss lists with Kate, when I should have been paying attention! Do you ever wonder if there’s a reason you exist? Well it was bloody obvious that my reason for living was to make him better. The night after I wrote the list was the night he died. And I was too busy thinking about crossing off kisses to remember that I could have saved his life.”

“Chloe-”

“Don’t you see?” I yell, “It’s all because of that stupid, stupid list. And now here I am, with you, trying to cross things off again. I missed the fourth anniversary of his death! What else will I miss this time, Will? Who will I lose?”

Will doesn’t shout back. He just stands still, letting the rain soak through his clothes. He looks at me in the way one might react to a heart-breaking movie, when you want to cry, but stay strong for whoever is next to you. I love him all the more. And I hate myself for it.

“What do you want me to say?” he asks me after a while. “What do you want me to do?”

“Break up with me,” I whisper, my tears coming freely now.

Will breaks down. He makes a strangled noise and reaches out to me. I flinch.

“Chloe, please. This isn’t the answer. I know you’re upset- and rightly so; that’s devastating- but your brother, I’m sure, would want you to-”

“Don’t you dare act as if you’d know what he’d want!” I scream, throwing his hand from my arm. “You’re just being selfish, because you want me to stay with you. Well, I wish I could Will. I really, really wish I could. But I can’t. I don’t deserve to be happy, okay? I shouldn’t even be here. Mark should be here, not me.”