Her List of Kisses

Chapter 16- Friends and Farewells

I lie on my back on the cold cement of Joey's driveway, and try to imagine the stars as burning hearts. It calms me to pretend that when a heart cares too much and is broken, it breaks free from the chest of the poor sod who owns it and shoots up into the sky, where it will be appreciated by the thousands. That’s what it feels like now; like my heart is trying to rip its way out of my chest and leave.

“I should have stopped him. I’m sorry,” Josh says quietly. He is sitting near my feet, worrying a cloud-grey stone between his fingers.

“It wasn’t anything to do with you. You don’t need to apologise.” I tell him.

“It was. I could have talked him out of it, but I was too selfish," comes the reply. I notice, perhaps a minute too late, that Josh is refusing to meet my eyes.

“Selfish?” I ask. “In what way were you being selfish?”

He sighs a long whirling sigh, and it sounds as if the wind is tired. Nobody speaks for a long time, but our breaths seem to communicate. They tell me that there’s something he’s not saying.

“Josh?” I ask tentatively.

“I wanted him to kiss Gemma so you’d hate him and choose me,” he admits, and his words are fast like those of a man confessing his sins.

Josh likes me? Here I was, naïve, thinking that I would never be in the same situation as Kate. How wrong. New tears well up and I choke them back, but not before he notices. Frustrated, he hurls the stone into the road and looks back at me.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry, I just-”

“Josh, I like you back,” I say. “But I don’t like you like I like Will. It’s like, not love. And I can’t be with either of you.”

I would not have said that if I wasn’t drunk. Usually I am that irritating kind of person who can never say no to anybody. But I did and perhaps it is better that way. Under my head, the concrete feels soothingly hard. I fight the urge to smash my head against it. Instead, I turn over and press my forehead into the surface, cooling me down to better my sight.

“I understand,” says Josh, though his face is downcast, “and I suppose I can teach myself not to mind being just friends, but I swear I’ll never make you feel like he did tonight. I will never hurt you like that."

“Thank you,” I sob. He pulls me into a hug, and I collapse into him. “A friend is exactly what I need right now.”

“Then that’s what I’ll be,” he assures me, stroking my hair.

The door to the house swings open behind us and I know who has stepped outside. Call it telepathy, or a sixth sense, or just straight-up luck, but I can tell that Will has joined us on the driveway without so much as turning my head. A subtle clearing of his throat alerts Josh’s attention, and he releases me from his hold to confront the ‘intruder’.

“Back off, man, leave her alone,” he snarls.

“Or what?” answers Will. He begins offensive, but then he runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “Actually, you know what? Strike that. I don’t want your threats. All I want is to apologise, speak to her and explain myself, and then I’ll leave so fast you’ll never know I was here in the first place.”

"You don't deserve the chance to apologise, man," Josh retorts.

Will nods his head. I am truly surprised he hasn't become angry. "You're right," he agrees. "I don't. But I can't give up on Chloe. Not yet."

Josh scowls with a scowl that makes him look older, bigger, stronger. It scares me, so I put a hand on his arm to calm him down. Will notices the gesture but I don’t care. This fight does not involve Josh- it is solely ours.