Bubblegum Bitch

You Are Choosing Between Life Or Death

   *this isn't the greatest chapter in the world, but I'm going to be busy for a couple days and won't get to update for a while so please enjoy this*

Dan

     I was immediately tubed after refusing to eat. I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate seeing the hurt look on Phil's face as they put food in front of me which I refuse. It's too much. I don't have an eating disorder, despite all of them saying I do. At the same point, I'm tempted to eat just so Phil will stop looking like he's ready to burst into tears every time I skip a meal.

   Apparently I'm on bed rest, the only time I leave is to go through therapy and I'm wheeled there. They said I could be here for nearly two months at the least. Which I'm not happy about, as I'm attached to monitor after monitor and a feeding tube.

   "Dan.. please try." Phil sighs, while looking at me with tearful eyes.

   I look down at the plate of food, all I see is stuff that will make me fat, and I want to cry. Cry endlessly at the food on my plate. Cry at the fact I'm stuck in this hospital.

    "Phil I'm sorry." I lay back, covering my face with my hands.

      I've been here for 3 days, and so far it's been hell each day. 6 meals are shoved in front of me, and I barely eat any of them. As I see my nurse come in with a wheelchair I realize I have therapy. She helps me out of bed slowly, and reattaches the IVs and monitors. As I'm wheeled to therapy, I wave a simple goodbye to Phil. I know he'll be there when I get back, but I'm really afraid that this time I've fucked up our relationship.

    I look through the hallways of other people stricken with illness, and suddenly feel a bit bad. I'm not actually sick, I don't need to be here. Other people deserve the bed I sleep on, not me. I'm okay. I'm wheeled into the therapist's office, and as soon as the nurse shuts the door, I swear the therapist is gonna attack. She's nice though, simple blonde hair and green eyes. Slightly chubby, but typically wears fun bright colors.

    "Dan do you have something specific you want to say?" She asks me, grabbing her usual notebook.

    "I really think I fucked up my relationship with my boyfriend." I sigh, resting my head on the hand that doesn't have an IV in it.

    "He's here, Dan. If you had fucked it up, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be here. Dan he's been with you for how long?" She questions.

    "A year." I mumble quietly.

    "Dan you've spent a whole year with this man, 365 days. He's not going to leave, and if he does, that just proves he's not gonna be here for you and you deserve better." My therapist-well Cindy reassures me.

    "But I fainted and I ended up in the hospital on our one year anniversary. He wanted to take me to a restaurant and everything. I ruined it Cindy."

    "You didn't ruin it. You needed help, and now you are getting the help you need. You were only a couple weeks close to death, would you rather he find you dead in the morning or alive and in a hospital?" Cindy asks.

     "Alive." I sigh.

   "Now back to the problems at hand, I see you haven't been eating. You've been tube fed for the last 3 days. Why?" She asks carefully.

   "I wanna eat. For gods sake I want to eat all the food y'all put in front of me, but mentally I just can't eat it. It's going to make me fat, and I don't want to be fat." I cry out.

    "The food is going to help you body and give it the energy it needs. You aren't choosing between fat or skinny. You have two options, recover or die."

   
   "I'd rather die." I choke out after a long pause.

     I see my nurse come in the room to wheel me back to my room. She doesn't talk just is silent as I walk back. Surprisingly I see Phil still sitting in the same chair that he was in earlier, as my nurse wheels me into the room. She leaves as soon as I'm in bed and situated.

    "How'd it go Dan?" He asks, worry in his eyes.

     "Why are you still here. You are dating an anorexic freak, who is stuck in a hospital. Why aren't you dating a different guy who isn't starving himself or attached to a tube?" I cry out again, this time though, I literally can't stop crying.

    Get this tube out of me. Get this IV out of me. Get it all out of me please. I can't breathe. I can't do this. Somebody help me please. I don't realize it but I'm sobbing. As nurses come in, one sedates me, and the last thing I see is Phil, a look of sheer pain on his face.

   Phil

   He's been out for about an hour now, it's 7pm. They sedated him after he had a panic attack and wouldn't calm down. Sitting on the edge of his bed, I gently run my fingers through his slightly greasy locks of hair. His hair is thin and brittle though, so I have to be careful. It's then he starts to wake up, opening his soft brown eyes. He peers up at me through his long eyelashes, and takes my hand tightly.

    "I stay because I love you Dan, I don't want a different guy. I want you and I have wanted you for the past 18 months. Even when I was with Eli I wanted you. You have your flaws, but so do I. Dan, I don't think you understand. I want to marry you someday, wanna have a family with you. I want to be there for you. Dan, you gotta start eating, you gotta get better. I want to propose to a healthy man not a on the brink of death man. I don't mind if you have a bit of a tummy either, it looks cute. Your thighs, they don't have to have a gap. You don't have to be thin in my eyes to be perfect." I cup his cheek gently with my free hand.

   He closes his eyes, probably going back to sleep, but still holding onto my hand tightly. His slim fingers looking like mine are crushing them.

    "Can I have one of your hoodies?" He mumbles, the sedatives not yet worn off.

    "Yes, I brought one with a bag of clothes I brought you. When you get changed tomorrow and they take off the wires and everything, you can wear it, alright." I reassure him.

   I watch as he tries to not lay on his tube.

   "You can go back to sleep, it's okay." I try to say as reassuringly as possible.

   "I'm afraid that you aren't gonna be here when I wake up." He yawns.

    "I'll be here. Forever and always." I smile at the cute boy.

   "You left me once though." He does have a point.

   "And I never want to do that again."