I have expectations, of course. It's just I've accepted that however I imagine this year will be, it will end up being entirely different. I remember on my last birthday, things were very different. What happened in the past 12 months have twisted the straightest parts of me and now I'm left in a fairly curly state of pleasure. I've bound myself in an aura of freedom and let my fragile edges curl up and knot themselves in thoughtless notions. Last summer was an entirely different story, the rapid changes in my social life led me to better connections, and better times. I let go of a lot, i opened myself up to new experiences, and I became someone with something to live for.
Next year holds a lot more than I am willing to carry. Among the lessons learned this year, learning to let go has been the most brutal, yet necessary skill which I am grateful to have learned at the age of 16.
I say letting go is a skill because you train your heart to release it's firm grasp on whatever it has it's death grip on. It hurts, obviously, but what matters is how you distribute that pain. Finding a release is crucial, there's always something you can do to take away the pain. Find it, and let it heal you.
This past year has definitely been the most eventful. About once a month or so I would have a moment where I'd sit back and review what has happened in the past few weeks. I was always flabbergasted by the events I took part in. Things were constantly happening to me. I wasn't living life, life was happening to me. Good things happened, bad things happened, what I always told myself was that at least my life was interesting. I hit my highs and lows, feeling at the peak of my existence, and feeling like I've, once again, hit rock bottom.
I dedicated this past year to myself and my best interests. The 2 years before that have been rather harsh, again, filled with highs and lows, but the bad outweighed the good and I was left in a poor mental state. This was my recovery year, it was all about me. I took it upon myself to stop being sad and let myself enjoy everything life has given me. A lot easier said than done, but I have become a much happier person. Sure, it sounds unreasonable to just stop being sad, but what I really did was started being selfish. Be selfish with your time, put yourself first, and don't settle for less. You are the only one you have, take care of yourself before you try to take care of anyone else. How good is a bleeding nurse? Really?
