Tidbits And Such

A Story About a Boy

My name is Lindsey. Yes, it is a girl's name, but did you know it used to be common to name boys Lindsey to toughen them up? It's true, and people everywhere used to avoid Lindsey men like the plague. I would too if I were you, but don't worry about me I'm harmless... relatively of course. I scrunched my nose under the broken bridge of my glasses, trying to wiggle them into a comfortable position. I didn't realize how awkward this would be for the other person in the elevator at the time. The man, dressed in a sharp suit, shifted around and gave me a sideways glance. My glasses were still bugging me but where would I even put down all the coffee I was holding to fix them? If only I'd bought that strap to keep my glasses on I wouldn't be in this mess. But it was made out of elastic, and elastic, being a plastic product, of course helped release carbon dioxide into the air. They say carbon dioxide is killing the polar bears, so I had decided against it. My glasses were already halfway down my nose. I've gotta do something now, oh but that man will look at me and think... I'm not sure but it won't be nice. The elevator dinged for the man to get off, but of course I decided to adjust my glasses exactly as he left. Good on you Lindsey. I rammed my elbow right into him, jostling him, me, and 8 cups of decaf mocha latte. He gave me smile; the sort of smile a mom gives her kid right after he failed a test. Did you know homework used to be a punishment for kids who misbehaved in class?

"Watch it, Italian cotton coming through." He certainly didn't sound amused, even with the smile. What's he going to think of me now? Well I don't know the guy but all he'll be talking about all day is how some low level almost ruined a suit that costs more than his apartment. At least I got my glasses straight. Ah glasses, as if I weren't already nerdy enough. They used to be so expensive only the really rich people could afford them, the joys of modern life I guess. The elevator dinged, and I shuffled out, being careful not to deflate the whipped cream more than it already had been. I scooted the double decker stack of cups onto my desk, being grateful that I hadn't spilled them. I slid into my chair with a weird thump, and looked around to see if anyone heard. No one did, or maybe they were being polite and not staring.

"OH! Praise the lord, Lindsey's in with the coffee," A plump woman with a cute crop of grey-brown hair waddled up to my desk, and plucked out one of the coffee cups. She wore a sweater with little knives embroidered on it. According to her, embroidery used to be used to ward off evil spirits, this allowed her to wear any pattern she wanted into work. I tried not to laugh, knowing that I could never explain the joke to her.

"What's so funny?" She put her hands on her hips, like a sassy grandmother.

"Oh, I just thought corporate wouldn't like your sweater is all," I said, fumbling with a pencil. I didn't want her to think it was a bad sweater or anything like that.

"Not that I don't like it, Patty, it just doesn't seem like-." She cut me off laughing a big loud laugh, and leaning on my desk less like a 60-some file manager and more like a 20-some secretary.

"Baby boy, you worry too much," She said with a glossy pink smile that touched both her ears. People were starting to gather around, finding and grabbing their various coffees. I awkwardly smiled, trying not to be in anyone's way as they looked for their cup.

"Sorry I-"

"A-HA!" Patty shouted a little too loudly for comfort.

"That's my point, you don't have to be so apologetic." She was very motherly and it was hard to picture her in anything but a sweater, but she was one of the better people in this corporate nightmare.

"Hey, why didn't you say you got the coffee when you got here," piped a man in the back. I immediately dreaded the military closely shaved head. He was the kind of guy you imagined waking up in the morning and shaving with a machete, might be wearing camouflage if HR didn't ban it.

"I work in the back of the room, I need time to get up here. You just took time away from me and my productivity." He gave me the death stare, and I shrunk back into my leather seat. Did you know that swordsmen used to cut their hair short so the opponent couldn't gab it? The man snatched his double shot of espresso out of the holder, and marched his way back down to his desk. I probably should have said something when I came in.

"Don't you worry about him, love," Patty said with a little smile and warm pat on the arm. I smiled back, even though he was totally right I should have said something earlier. Patty and I should have been working, but I didn't want to be rude. What would I even say to her?

"Thanks for the coffee." She waddled back to her desk, fully in love with her iced coffee with cream, sugar, and chocolate. I still couldn't believe people just let her wear that sweater around. No way I could do anything like that, even if I were trying to get myself fired. I adjusted the little plaque on my desk that read 'Lindsey Michaels: secretary'. I think the first time I ever saw one of those little plaque things was at the courthouse but I don't quite remember all that well. I glanced up to see the man telling me off earlier, his name was Jordan, flick his empty cup toward the trash. He missed, and didn't even bother to pick it back up, but that was just who he was I guess. I brushed off my cheap suit, straightened my 3 dollar tie, and prepared for another day of 40 minute lunch breaks and grey walls.