The Promise

Chapter 8

It was music that woke me. It entered as a dream on the cusp of my memory, and then the dream faded away. I was late, late for dinner. I sat up too quickly and ended up in a small coughing fit. When my eyes focused, I was in an office I knew well. Sadie's office. I could hear "Sugar Magnolia" playing and the general din of food being served. It was muted by the closed door, but it was obvious it was 4 o'clock. I was on a fold out cot with two thick blankets now bunched up on my lap.

I wasn't sure how I ended up at the City Kitchen. I remembered finding the wooden entryway and trying to get some sleep. In hindsight, it seemed like an asinine decision to sleep outside last night. I should have gone to the bridge to see Houser or to the shelter. I still wasn't good at dealing with pain. I stood and coughed some more. My feet were steady, but my head felt like a brick. My nose was stuffed up and I could feel a thickness in my eyes. I must have found my way back here. Sadie must be really pissed. I had to stop this stupid self-loathing homeless shit and get my life back.

The kitchen was in full swing. I was walking slowly with a foggy head. Trudy spotted me ambling toward the dining room and called out, "Sadie, Frank's awake." Sadie swung quickly around the corner, her green flowered skirt swaying with the momentum. Her long hair flowed just moments behind her, catching a small draft and flaring out. I saw determination in her eyes. I wasn't ready for an earful, so I preempted.

"I'm sorry." It came out hoarsely, my throat wasn't prepared for words. So I cleared it with a cough quickly and continued, "I'll get out of here and leave you alone."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Sadie's voice was controlled, and I don't think it carried past me. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the office. I followed, her will being stronger than my mushy brain could counter. "I had everyone looking for you." She pushed me back on the cot and began covering me with the blankets.

"I thought..." Sadie didn't let me finish.

"You didn't think," Sadie stated firmly, then her voice cracked, "if Houser hadn't found you...God... you were blue when he brought you back." There were tears running down her cheeks, which she quickly wiped away. I was confused and my brain wasn't processing at full speed. She sat down on the floor next to the cot, spreading her skirt evenly around her. "I am so sorry." It sounded like she wanted to say more. She couldn't get it out and wiped away another tear.

"I don't understand," I said quietly. One minute I thought she wanted me to leave and the next to stay.

"I don't either," Sadie said, her voice cracking, "it was ten degrees last night, I thought you were going to die." She dropped her head into her hands and sobbed.

"I didn't though." It was an obviously useless statement. I thought back to crawling into that wooden entryway. It was almost my grave. "My stupidity isn't your fault." Sadie tried to say something, then thought better of it. She stood instead, wiping her eyes.

"I'm going to get you some food. You're not to leave." It wasn't a request. I watched her leave with her hair bouncing on her back. Something had changed and I couldn't completely wrap my head around it.

Sadie returned and allowed me to sit up. She placed a plate of roast beef and mashed potatoes on the desk. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until the smell hit me. She sat with me, watching me eat, smiling while I chewed. When I pushed the empty plate away, she spoke.

"I want to take back what I said." Sadie looked at me, then her eyes drifted toward the empty plate. "I was angry...I can't really explain it and it confuses me." She looked back at me with her clear, green eyes. "I don't want you to leave, although I know you might. I wouldn't blame you."

"I'm pretty messed up," I admitted. I tried to kill myself and then almost did it accidentally. "I'm not sure if I do more harm than good." Sadie put her hand over mine.

"I have been playing Richard's favorite song every day at 4 o'clock for nine years." Sadie smiled as she thought about it. "I've been hiding in a soup kitchen behind a promise. My acquaintances all live on the streets. I am the poster child of messed up and I am highly efficient at it." I didn't move my hand, thinking she might remove hers. I felt guilty enjoying human touch. The last person I touched died in my arms. It felt nice to be close to someone again.

"I threw my life away to live in a cardboard box with Houser," I said to top Sadie's concept of messed up. She laughed as I smiled. It was nice to see her eyes crinkle and little dimples form on her cheeks. I was happy she didn't remove her hand.

"So you'll stay for a while?" Sadie's eyes were hopeful.

"I could use the distraction this place provides," I said honestly. "Those little solvable tasks are welcoming. I would also like to see this IRS thing through. It kind of pisses me off." Sadie's smile widened.

"You can sleep here until you find someplace better." Sadie rose and picked up the empty plate and silverware. I felt a small emptiness when she removed her hand from mine. The shelter had better beds, but this felt more like home. I could get used to the cot. "If you feel better in the morning, I'll put you to work." She started walking out, then stopped in the doorway and turned back toward me. "Thank you for not hating me." She spun back around and disappeared out the door before I could form a response. I had no idea where that came from. I was hating myself, not her.