Joquena

Summer's Over (07.29.16)

Teenage love is a fairly strange thing.

It's filled with indecision and missed cues for affection and reassurance. Missed cues I seemed to perfect with you, even when you were long gone.

I'll admit that missing you is one of the most painful but necessary things I've ever done. Your absence filled a void of how the world really works in my head, a total sham of a life. A new feeling had come over me with every thought of you away. I thought I knew what love was...what it felt like...what it meant, I had learned too much about the world it seemed. I had accepted now that time ticked faster when you weren't staring at a clock for answers.

Should I feel guilty now? I feel as if I lied to my exes when I said I loved them. It's obvious I never knew how to love or be loved for that matter; not until your shy laughter pleasured my ears.

I think of you as I write this. The first night you cried to me about your suicidal thoughts comes to mind with each sentence. I had no words. No explanation for your feelings. I just held you. I feel like it did more for you than me trying to sympathize with you, understanding that words and feelings were two different strains of grief.

After the day you told me that we couldn't be friends anymore I was lost in confusion. Something hurtful yet poetic had echoed in my head that day. Love HURTS.

It was a strange love, but love is love nonetheless.

It doesn't feel wrong to say that you are the first in a compact string of short-lived passions. You helped me realize who I am. All of who I am. The only person to understand a world of hurt and hallucinations I suffer from; the schizophrenic pains that brought us to each other.

Is it okay for me to now truly enjoy my own personal delusions?

Sad thoughts with images attached.

My personal with hundreds of experiences I can feel even as I jot these words down.

Moments that ignite nostalgia in me like the abandoned building we would hide in during the ninth grade. Our first kiss under a starless sky. The first time you touched my bare skin with hair raising tenderness. The day you left without kissing me goodbye. The night we found each other again...A 'happy' party was the last place I expected to meet the person I had dreamt of nights upon nights about again.

"You look handsome." You said with a flash of your glimmering teeth.

"Didn't know you liked drugs." I replied with a grin in the same fashion.

There was that missed cue I spoke of again. Even at the age we were at.

Difficult.

The only word I would use to describe how it felt to know you moved on. You seemed happy with who you were happy with and although descriptions didn't stick the smile on your face did as you babbled about your life since the last time we spoke.

I was eager to listen and exchange stories with you saying any and everything that seemed a bit interesting. The night seemed to breeze by as time always did when I was with you, years of conversation gone in a matter of seconds.

Still inexperienced.

Still awestruck.

Still a......Kid.

Our hug goodbye. It was more than two people wrapping their arms around each other; it was old friends reuniting memories of love and heartache all in a sentimental embrace. One holding on to the hope of something new and the other escaping the thoughts of loneliness forever. This was US now. The people we chose to portray. The lies we now had to carry.

Could I be as emotional as before with you? Let my vulnerability show again?

Time can answer that question, while I cannot. I know you seem happier now but you lie to yourself more. The person you're with is not what you want and/or need.

SELFISH.

NEEDY.

All the words I found to be self-defining.

I needed you in those hard days but couldn't find the courage to tell you. It felt as though you were always there but never available, living in a new place, with new people...New infatuations.

I can't describe how I feel about you. You are the embodiment of my feelings. My wants. My needs. My insecurities. I just want you to be happy. I NEED you to be happy.

Enjoy a lifestyle I can't provide for you. One I can't choose because of my own indifference towards being a fraud. Living a lie is never worth it, even if I get your love in return.

But maybe......

Just maybe you can change.

Change so we can be teenagers. Together.