That Dysphoric Person Behind the Screen

They're Finding Out

"I've always wanted this book...I can't afford it..I still hate myself for yesterday, though..
I need this book here..I guess I could just..Read it while I'm here, I don't have to buy it this instant. I'll put it back later."
Thats what I said earlier today..But instead of reading the book, my head instantly fell into my hands and I began to silently cry..
I hate the feeling of embarrassment, depression, anxiety..I just felt like everyone there turned around and stared at me with the looks of disgust..I hate myself so much more than you would hate yourself, you don't even know what hating yourself is until you're in my shoes.
I didn't get to read the book, either. That was the worst part in my opinion..I've always wanted to see the movie..And the play..And now the book, but I didn't get to read it and I don't have access to it all the time..

I walked out of the warm library and headed into the freezing cold rain. Listening to all of my usual songs with my earphones in, my hood over my head, and my bandana over my mouth.
Before I went to the library, I headed to the clothing store and bought a binder for myself. It was kind of a dumb idea considering I knew that I would see the book in the library, yet spent my money on something stupid and disapproved of. But, I shoved the binder in my hood behind my head; my parents insist they look at my bag when I get home from school or a store.
I went home, gave them my bag and went upstairs. I then went into my room and locked the door, took out the binder and put it on my bed. As i took off my hoodie to put the binder on, I heard intense knocking from the other end of my door, it was my dad yelling, "Open up!" I responded back with "Coming, give me time" the knocking grew louder. I put my hoodie back on before the binder, and hid it under my pillows. Opening the door, he found the receipt I shoved in my bag..