the life we could have had | kwon soonyoung

the

drip drop.

she stared at the needle.
it pained her.
never did she want to rip something
out more,
never did she want to unplug something more forcefully;
except for her own heart,
maybe.
or, if it were possible,
the disease itself.

vision's a blur.
physically and mentally.
she lost clear sight for the happy things
a long time ago.
was it before the diagnosis even?
her mind won't remember.

she was cracking
and she knew.
lungs made of glass,
skin as fragile and pale as porcelain.
she stared at her whitened
finger nails.
it matched the ugly cloth she was told to be wearing.
they said it suited her.
they said she was a pretty girl.
pathetic.

she had nice hands.
people used to compliment them.
she had full lips.
people used to be envious of them.
but they cracked.
one day
they dried out
and cracked,
along with the glimmer in her
ocean eyes.
the tide has come
and she could not make a move.
held captive in her own sea
of pity
and sadness.
trapped in death's eyes;
but deep down she knew
they were her own.

it's chess.

〔〕

his mother was a caring woman.
she used to bring him flowers
and set them on his bedside table
every day she visited.
white carnations
were his favorite.
his mother was a caring woman.
she used to hold his hand
until he fell asleep.
and stroke his hair
until he stopped shaking.
and whisper pretty lies
until he believed them.
and always waited
for his breath to steady
so he wouldn't hear her tears
fall to the floor.
drip drop.
his mother was a caring woman.

he liked to smile.
he smiled as if it was the only thing
that kept him alive.
he smiled at the doctors,
the assistants,
the visitors.
he smiled
even though
he knew all of their thoughts.
their eyes
how they laced with sorrow.
their words
how they reeked of pity.
he was already dead to them.

they prepared for
"the day"
as everyone used to call it.
"the day"
was dark blue.
he liked blue.
but its depth was scary
and the stones
in his guts
dragged him down
further
and closer
to the pit.
the waves had swallowed him up already,
a long time ago.
now it was only the anchor
that had to pull him down
and let his body
drown.

the door opened.
pitiful eyes drilled through
the withering dandelion.
and he smiled.

〔end of chapter one〕