Prison of paradise, book 4 in Wingless series

Chains

When everything became so hard, I had to find ways to relieve all the pent up emotions. At first, I secretly slipped away and chewed my nails down to the bone. This helped nothing, and I moved past that quickly. Later I thought sitting holed up in my bathroom trimming my split ends would make it all disappear, my hair became healthier my stress just got larger.

So I finally caved and snuck into the wine cellar, well when it wasn't padlocked. And I would sit on the floor the cold radiating my skin, and I would drink a whole bottle to myself and sneak off to sleep before Evan knew I was tipsy. At first, it was hard because I could not handle a whole bottle. But a whole bottle was what made me numb and it worked, all the days stress was gone and I was able to live without a big giant knot in my stomach and boulders weighing down my shoulders.

But that ended quickly when I realized I was pregnant. I no longer had the easy solution to getting through the night. I could make it through the day sure. But the night was for sleeping and I couldn't bring myself to do that without a state of drunkenness. So I went a whole ten months crying my eyes out to relieve the stress, driving Evan crazy and hoping it would all end.

And when it did, my little friend came back to me. I didn't care what anyone thought it was the best solution to getting through the night. I wasn't a coward; I was simply trying to live. I didn't want to hurt Evan and tell him how horrible I felt because he wasn't my problem. Life was my problem. The way life was tossed out right before my eyes repeatedly each day that was my problem. I loved Evan more than being happy, without him I wouldn't be.

Sometimes I wanted to just die it was hard to admit, but I felt so terrible anymore. I felt like the things, which I wanted to be right weren't and that I had no control over them.

I slowly seem to turn more into the weak person I did not want to be, and just put up with it all. I did not know how to pass over these crazy ideas. I hadn't a clue how to cope with something so serious; this was beyond anything I had ever expected.

I understood why Ari was enthralled with pills that fed her ability to avoid feeling. I understood why Journey was so despondent and almost zombie like, how she had only one mood and that was happy, because they all had found a way to slip past reality into a comfortable crazy.

I was going to the same place they had probably found early into their relationships. When the three of us were together, it was sweet bliss, when alone it was nothing more than trying to cope with life. And to stay in love with the guy you cared so much about. It was beyond hard.

My head ached because I didn't understand why I even felt that way. I hadn't a clue how to come back to the place I was in the beginning. I was in too deep, and not knowing how to escape alive or complete. There's no right or wrong, there simply was surviving, and hoping the one thing that I yearned for would still hold itself together. And that one thing was Evan and I.

I crept down the long hallway making my way to one of the many bathrooms on the first floor. Evan was nowhere to be found, and that was the usual anymore, with the three of them running all that went on in Carlo's territory they hardly ever had a spare moment. I almost believed if I wanted to really have some time with him I would have to go on one of the many death hunts. This was what I called them, when it was time to end another life.

I popped open the wine bringing the large awkward bottle to my lips sucking down half of it in a hurry; fear always crept over me when I was in the middle of this. I always felt like it was going to be stopped before that relaxed feeling set in.