The Compromise I Don't Regret

Chapter 36. I REALLY DO CARE!

Am  I really jealous of her. No no way! Me? jealous ? Uh! My mind is just playing with me. Is she even going to leave. I'm tired of waiting. Then why does it ache to see them together? He laughs and behave freely with her than with me. My thoughts went back to the same topic " well you give him a very hard time." My mind reminded me. Fine.. it's correct that I didn't make it easy for him when he was trying to make an 'us' happen. So.. so what ? He should keep trying. Right ? Right? Ughhh why am I even thinking so much. It's not like you even care Sam. You don't even lov- wait do I love him? How do you even know when you love someone?
My eyes roamed around in thought when my gaze fell on my phone lying on my lap. Idea! I quickly typed in 'how do you know when you love someone'. I'm sure google has answers to my question. I clicked on the article that read '11 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE, ACCORDING TO SCIENCE'. Right! Science can never be wrong. Okay let's see..... 'You can't stop staring at them' I silently read it as my eyes traveled on its own accord and landed on Amaan. Well he's really handsome mashallah! Samar Bhayya and Amaan do share a few features gifted to them by dada ji. And his eye- wait observation doesn't count as staring does it? Nah. 'You feel like you're high.' I read the second point. Well I'm always high so that doesn't count either.  I skipped a few points not wanting to see certain pictures. 'Your heart rate synchronizes with theirs.' How do you even know that??. This is bullshit. God! What was I even thinking. By the time I was done with the survey I saw Annie getting ready to leave. " Bye Sam, the food was really good by the way. Thank you " she said before leaving. I smiled at her as I waved her goodbye. Wait  what? Did she just complement AND thank me?? I was shocked as I looked over to Amaan to confirm if I've heard it right since Annie had already left the door. Amaan shrugged his shoulders with a smile as he closed the door behind him. Ha his smile.... Shut up! What the hell google. I just asked the signs now you have already started filling my mind with unnecessary thoughts. "Yeah right now blame google and keep denying your feelings" my mind spoke. What is the purpose of having a mind that is always contradicting you???
"What are you thinking Sameera? " Amaan asked as he came towards me. Oh you don't wanna know. " um.. uh.. Zara do has called. She said you weren't answering or returning her calls" I informed him. " oh I believe she's due in three to four days. Oh i could that leave my mind. I could answer her call since I was busy with Annie" he said a look of guilt on his face. " of course you would be busy with Annie. What I don't understand is if you guys were so close why did you even break up? I don't see what was not right between you guys. You could have married her and she wouldn't have had to take the pain of coming her every day. You would have been a happy family unlike us. You .... Ann.. Annie And your ki- kids.." I don't know why by the end of my monologue my lips were quivering. I could feel my eye burning up. And for a fact I know that I was not speaking gibberish. It's was my true feelings I had put out. The feelings I had denied myself from even acknowledging. It hurts that it hurts me to picture Amaan having a family with Annie or anyone other than me. Does that mean I have feelings for him? I was shocked at my latest discovery when I raised my eyes to meet an even more shocked looking Amaan. For a couple of moments we just stared at each other. " it's not what you are thinking" he finally said. I was going through an emotional rollercoaster right now. I was shocked about that the fact that my heart is harbouring feelings for Amaan and I didn't even know. And I just freaking let him know of it. What if he's in love with Annie and they have been planning to get married? What will I do ? What will he think of me? I'm the one to be blamed right? So many things were running through my mind that I mouthed out the words I found right at the moment. " I don't care" Through gritted teeth I said. All the anger was for sure directed to myself. It's ironically how at the very moment I was dying to know what it really is. Because I really care. I really do.