grainy - shawnmin

11

Jimin was one of those boys that seemed on top of everything. He never rested and worked so hard during class. When he was in high school, he ignored girls messaging him to maintain A's in all of his classes, and waking up early was a habit he maintained since middle school. Once he started working out, he noticed more look up to him and feel their knees go weak. Jimin held his head high and looked back at them when he felt other people's eyes latch onto him when he walked.

But hours piling up at the gym never took away the chub in his cheeks and papers continued to get crumpled once a problem was missed. He kept his grinding and sacrificing mentality only to ruin him. He'd spend his Friday nights scratching at his knuckles and kicking his blanket regretting every mistake of the week.

Despite his insecurities that ate him, he managed to show up to school and work every day looking like the valedictorian after being brought to meet the president. He stood up straight and tried to look as tall as possible when he walked through the halls like his book bag wasn't tearing his shoulders and like his eyelids didn't feel like bricks.

***

"Take it all or leave it" Jungkook hummed with his feet pattering over the kitchen floor. Jimin was at the stove and the smell of meat washed over the once fresh dorm. He didn't like it, but Shawn's face was all over his mind. Jimin smiled to himself and remembered how he noticed such a little voice for that big body. He was flattered at the nervousness that Shawn showed unknowingly. So what if he forgot about his plan to play hard to get. It wasn't a big deal that he did that with most people. Jimin smacked his finger and thought about messaging him first that morning.

There wasn't much going on other than the thuds of other students cleaning and traveling into the showers from the hall. This was a good Sunday, one that didn't feel sick, but sappy. Jimin felt tickly.

***

The ball slapped the ceiling of Nick's side of the room. Neither of them remember where they got it, just that they had it. Nick's breath was slow, and the sun shone through the curtains a little too much. Both of the boys residing in the room hated the heat and sunshine California pounded onto the millions of people in contrast to a warm summer with chilly nights at home. It felt just as dreadful as there.

At least Nick seemed to be tracing the patterns of paint from under, just bored. He was starting to regret coming and should have just kept his cash from his credulous and curious friend. Nick could be playing the new Call of Duty with a consistent supply of weed. Instead, he was here, "enjoying raw flashes of life" as Shawn reminded him on the plane. His only thoughts were, "this sucks ass". "Fucking flashes of life." Nick got a little more annoyed with him and turned his head to Shawn hunched over the edge of his bed, nearly going crazy. He held his phone tight, the veins in his hands protruding. Shawn looked worried and deep in thought. He giggled softly, then shook his head. He did that twice.

"Are you on drugs?" Nick wobbly caught the ball he chucked too hard at the ceiling. "Please tell me what's up. Didn't you want to come here and party or whatever?"

Shawn sighed and tossed his phone behind him. He rubbed his face and ran his hand through his slightly curlier hair due to the difference in humidity. "Didn't you want to stay in yesterday?" Nick picked up the tone that he was mocking him. He chose to ignore it and focus rather on what was infecting his best friend. "I'm just confused, okay?" Shawn reached for his phone again.

"Wh- hold up. About what? You can trust me." Nick stood up and ripped the phone out of Shawn's weak grip. He just let him. Shawn eye's had trouble meeting Nick's. It took him a second to fabricate and put together his thoughts.

"Hey, Nick?" Shawn gulped, "Did you see everything that I did there?"

"No, I only saw Olivia take you away and you telling me about what happened. I was too busy talking to a dude named Tae. He was telling me really funny stories. Sorry, I should have been there for you." Shawn was a little relieved to hear that but assured him it was okay.

"Well, it just happened all too fast. She got me drunk and pressured me then yelled at me for ki-" Shawn caught his breath because he was confused about this, but it wasn't his main concern. Shawn didn't want to expose himself. He really wanted to rant about how he was proving all of those people right from school, but Nick didn't really know about that either. "I felt all lovey-dovey with her in high school, and she just kinda only said hi and smiled. She was just being nice and then she leaves. I forgot she even existed" This, of course, was not true. He thought about her all the time when he was extra bored in his room with that damned guitar. "Then she wants to come back into my life and manipulate me for 17 freaking hours? What the hell."

"What did she do yesterday? I didn't get to hear you rant that well." Nick asked.

"She threw a fit," Shawn answered. He calmed down a little bit, knowing that his friend stopped joking and let him be vulnerable. "Makes me want to not like girls." Shawn pinched himself for saying that, even though Nick didn't think anything of it.

"Life comes at you fast. It reminds me of this one time I made out with that one girl from our robotics class and then she like, kept trying to talk to me after like who are you~" Shawn chuckled at Nick's tendency to keep their sappy, bonding moments short. Even though he wanted to tell him more about what he was thinking last night, or when he was with that man whose name kept repeating in his head, he kept quiet. He wished it would go away and he could look at his Instagram explore page in the same way. Pretty girls were suddenly, unfortunately, burdens to him. Nick really didn't know who Shawn was becoming and Shawn didn't want him to know. He didn't want anyone to know. He didn't want himself thinking anymore. It was like God dropped a rock onto his head with so many thoughts.

"Nick, let's go walk around the mall. It's Sunday. I'm tired of feeling sick." Shawn pulled himself up and focused his mind on the Uber they were about to call. His masked confession let him feel sappy for a bit, and the sunshine wasn't so ugly anymore.