11.30 p.m
sunday
i cant sleep. i cant sleep but my eyes feel so droopy and heavy. im physically tired but mentally chaotic. the voices in my head; they kept shouting at each other and cussing at me and i dont know what to do. i shut my eyes, holding my breath as i do so. i clammed my ears and bit my lip so hard. my hands shook violently as i fisted my hair. my lips quiver whenever i heard my voice said "you're not worth it." or "go kill yourself." or anything that is related to self-harm. my eyes couldnt stop releasing the tears that is streaming down my face.
i hugged my knees and rocked my body back and forth. back and forth. back and forth. muttering you're ok, you're ok, you're ok. but that still didnt help me stop from hearing the voices. i kept punching the wall; i could feel my knuckles bruised and bloodied. i pulled my hair roughly to rip off my head. i scratch myself because the voices were unbearable. i stomped my feet loudly i could assure you that my neighbor would thought i was having sex.
i cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and i dont think it'll ever stop; this preposterous cycle.
i hate not being normal. i hate being different. i hate being ugly. i hate the voices that kept shouting at me to end my life as quick as possible. i hate it when i cant stop the voices from trudging in my brain. i hate depression. i hate it i hate it i hate it. depression is apart of me, so maybe, that is why i hate myself too. oh god.
myself myself myself. me me me. yazmine yazmine yazmine. stop stop stop. end end end. now now now.
if this is for the best for me, the world, the voices in my head, you, my parents, then i'll do it for them.
* pulls the trigger *
goodbye guys.
*aims at brain.*
if you're happy and you know- *bangs*
-
just so you guys know, this is chapter 14. ok bye beautiful 💖
