Acting Out [Student/Teacher, GxG]

Starting Over

Seeing my mother again was more of a shock than I'd anticipated. She looked older than I remembered; her jet black hair now streaked with silver, and fine lines creasing the fair skin around her eyes and mouth. It was strange to see her like this; for so long she'd been a god in my eyes, but now she looked weary and aged beyond her years. 

People used to tell me that I was the spitting image of her, and from the few photos I'd found from her youth, I had to admit the sentiment wasn't far from the truth. There was one photo in particular that I'd stolen from an old leather-bound album as a child; my mother sitting cross-legged on a football field in her high school cheer uniform, laughing without a care in the world, her thick hair pulled into a high ponytail and tied with a large red bow. She had one arm slung around another girl, and the other held a pom-pom high and proud. Her friend grinned at her, ignoring the camera entirely, a pink water bottle and her white sneakers discarded on the grass at her side. They both wore gold medals around their necks, shining in the sunlight, and their eyes sparkled with joy.

Often, I remembered taking out the old polaroid at night, running my fingers over the faded cursive on the back.

'Sullivan High Heartbreakers, '88. EK + CL, national champs. I like the sound of that.' 

CL, I knew, stood for Cathy Lefevre, my mother's maiden name, and on the nights that I was locked in my room for whatever I'd done wrong that day, I would sit up thinking about the rosy-cheeked teen, wondering how that girl had become the woman who raised me. She certainly didn't smile or laugh like that anymore and it was hard to imagine that the Cathy I knew would let herself be photographed looking so carefree and ingenuous.

As I grew up, the resemblance became undeniable, and if it weren't for the unmistakable green eyes I'd inherited from my father, anyone would've mistaken the girl in that photo for me.

Part of me was jealous of Cathy Lefevre, the all-American teen heroine; cheer captain, valedictorian, and homecoming queen. I didn't necessarily think that it was the life that I wanted, but she looked so happy in those days and still she hadn't hesitated for a even moment before deciding that letting me have that experience was less important than being at her beck and call. Like a bird in a gilded cage, I had everything and nothing.

It struck me then that she was likely soon to be Cathy Lefevre once again — if she had any hope of salvaging her reputation in the instance that Brielle won this case, she'd have to completely disavow my father's actions and file for divorce. I wondered if her husband of over twenty years being incarcerated would even cross her mind as something to mourn when compared with the loss of the Harris Company. After almost nineteen years of living with them, I still had no idea if they were in love. In that regard, it was safe to say they fit right in amongst the depraved, empty narcissism and greed of corporate  Hollywood. If it looks like love on camera, who's to say?

As I unpacked my suitcases into my old bedroom, I tried to focus on better things. Having a dysfunctional family was pretty much par for the course these days, and it was becoming increasingly clear that other people — namely Claire and Nina — had been through much worse and seemingly came out of it infinitely more well-adjusted than I. I was starting to think that there might be something wrong with me. Maybe I really was seeing myself and the world through a broken lens. Unfortunately, my admission of possible insanity wouldn't fix the problem, so I took out Claire's gardening book and reread the note she'd slipped in it before I left that night. The address of her house in the Hills, and a quickly scrawled message.

Keep your head up, Roses. You're stronger than you think. - C

I smiled, feeling my heart swell in my chest. I'd mentioned my old nickname in passing, and for the first time, hearing it didn't made me sad anymore. After Benoit and I lost contact, it had become something of a bittersweet reminder of my childhood, but coming from Claire it felt different. Everything felt different with Claire, but that was beside the point.