Acting Out [Student/Teacher, GxG]

Faded

It may have been a Tuesday night, but that certainly didn't mean I was going to waste away in my apartment. Carpe diem and all that shit, right?

The school day had been decidedly uneventful; due to some strange psychological phenomenon I'm sure, trying not to pay attention to Miss Lane had actually wound up making me pay attention to the actual material we were learning in my classes, and I found myself taking notes for the first time in longer than I'd care to admit. I was one of those people who tended to put in a minimal effort in class and then cram before exams, and thus far it had worked quite well for me. I was fairly good at textbook learning, but it didn't interest me nearly as much as experiencing things in the real world.

I suppose one could consider my current situation somewhat educational in that regard — for the first time, I was getting ready to experience the downtown nightclub scene. Well, if you could call a Tuesday club crawl the real deal. It might not have been a monumental night for partying, but it was just the distraction I needed. I fidgeted with my new ID and adjusted my little black dress, wobbling slightly on my heels. Damn stilettos — I swear, no matter how many times I wore them, they never got more comfortable. Caleb was texting on his phone and I looked around anxiously. I rarely got ID'd in the first place, but I'd never been to a proper nightclub and there was something about knowing that I wasn't supposed to be here that made my body tense with excitement.

"So what's the plan?" Caleb asked, tearing his eyes away from his cell phone.

"Hmm?"

He rolled his eyes as if it were obvious. "Are we going to aim for a couple hours of sleep tonight or should we just pull an all-nighter and stop at the gas station for RedBull before we head in to school tomorrow morning?"

Clearly, only one of those options was even remotely responsible. I'd have to be an idiot to think I could roll up to class sleep-deprived in a mini dress and day-old makeup without raising more than a few eyebrows.

"Energy drinks and a 15 minute nap in your truck sounds like a solid game plan."

Yeah, I was going to hate myself for this in the morning, but that was turning into a pretty common theme for me.

"I'm down as long as you make sure I don't drunk text Amy tonight." Caleb conceded and I laughed.

"Scout's honour." I replied, giving him a mock salute and a wink. Amy was Caleb's obnoxious ex girlfriend, and although I'd give it my best effort, if he were drunk enough to contact her there wasn't a force on earth or in heaven strong enough to stop him.

When we reached the front of the line, the bouncer took my ID and I held my breath. He scanned the card before looking back at me. I braced myself. If this doesn't work...

He handed it back and I visibly relaxed, smiling at the brawny man before walking into the club, a cheeky grin lighting up my face.

"I missed seeing that smile, Ro." Caleb admitted, following me to the bar.

I guess it really had been obvious that my smiles hadn't always been genuine. Starting university had taken my mind off things for a little while but I knew it couldn't last. God, what was I doing? Getting drunk, I answered myself. I was getting totally, disgustingly wasted and putting everything behind me.

I accepted the shot from Caleb and tipped it back, wincing at the taste. "Jesus, what was that?" I gagged.

"Absinthe." Caleb laughed and I stuck out my tongue in disgust.

"Awful. Absolutely awful."

•••

As I drank and allowed myself to fade into the ambiance of the club, I began to think about connections. Between places and emotions, between lies and the lives we lead to bury them, between people. The ties that bind us. I found myself aching to connect — to reach out and do more than touch; to finally hold. I'd never understood the need to rely on another person — even fumbling in the dark as I was, at least I was dignified in my half-life. Nobody could ever say that I relied on them. Nobody could ever say that they knew me. I'd once found comfort in the fact that I'd never needed to find myself in other people, but now it was becoming increasingly apparent that I wasn't as self-aware as I'd previously believed. With every interaction, I unwittingly let more of myself slip through the cracks in my façade. Every touch lingered. When before I'd been content in my solitude, I could no longer deny the emptiness that gnawed at me. Somehow, little by little and then all at once, I'd opened the floodgates. I was weary with the weight of my own mind. I needed to feel solid ground beneath my feet. I needed to feel something.

Connection. But what did that even mean beyond those ten letters and three syllables? It was as alien to me as a foreign tongue — words, after all, are next to meaningless without that which they denote, and I was at a loss for a memory I could draw upon for context.

Except that wasn't quite true. I knew what it felt like once — too much, too fast, ripped away much too soon. This was not something I should be thinking of in my uninhibited state. On one hand alcohol could make me absolutely giddy over the smallest things, but drunkedness went both ways, and I wasn't at all confident I'd be able to stop myself from bursting into tears on the dancefloor if I didn't cut this train of thought off entirely.

The thought came to me as if it were something I already knew but couldn't quite place — something hiding just out of my periphery. I'd felt another sort of connection, hadn't I?

The way the florescent lights seemed to dance across her face, settling on her high cheekbones and glossy red lips, made my skin burn. I could still feel her hands on my flesh like fire — she was gentle in her innocent contact, not because she saw me as something on the verge of breaking as I suspected Caleb did, but because brusqueness simply wasn't in her nature. She was like the calm before a storm with those soft ocean eyes and nervous smile, but somehow every word and every curious glance set my insides ablaze. Every electric touch coursed through me and I craved her attention like a drug. She was fire and water all at once and I was just smoke. While she dazzled, I would disappear.

Miss Lane. God, why did it always come back to her? She haunted me like a ghost and lord knows I didn't need another one.

It occurred to me then that maybe my fixation on the doe-eyed blonde was little more than misplaced guilt and responsibility. I'd run her into the ground once and now I was stuck carving her name into the walls of my mind as some twisted consolation for the pain I'd caused. Hey, Miss Lane. I know I made you cry, but you'll be happy to hear I've been torturing myself to make up for it. It was awfully crass to assume the other woman was sadistic enough to take comfort in my unconscious self-abuse, but all the same the theory made more sense than any alternatives I could come up with. That being said, I wasn't sure I could make myself believe that there wasn't something else driving my thoughts toward Miss Lane. I replayed our last conversation in my head, feeling my chest constrict at the broken voice that had become etched into my memory like a scar. Sipping bitterly on my rum, I wondered idly if drinking myself to death would be enough grounds for her forgiveness. Well that's not morbid at all.

"Hey, you feeling alright?" Caleb's voice pulled me from my reverie and my eyes shot up to meet his.

"Yeah, ah, I was just thinking." I smiled softly and jingled the ice around in my glass.

"Well it's getting close to 2 so we'd better get out of here soon. Still feeling good about going out on a school night?"

"Just peachy." I downed the rest of the rum and tried to stand up, falling into Caleb in the process.

"Yeah, okay. Let's see what you have to say about that in," he made a show of checking his watch, "exactly three hours and ten minutes."

"Let's not." I replied weakly, already dreading the day to come.

——

Author's Note:

I wish I could say that this chapter took such a long time to write because I'm doing something productive with my time, but in all honesty I just had writer's block. That's about all I'm going to make y'all sit through in terms of Rowan wallowing in self-pity, so get ready for some drama in the near future. Again, thank you to everyone who reads, votes, and comments on this story!

Does anyone have a favourite character so far? If you do, what makes them likeable/interesting to you?