You Feel Like Home

Goodbye

           

"You know that's a men's shirt you're wearing right?" Cameron asked as they sat on the concrete wall outside the school.

Afternoon classes had been cancelled, but the students were order to remain at school and use this time to study or work on projects.

In the past Elisia would have been one of the first students to ignore the rule and leave the school, often going to hang out with her friends at the grotto and smoke.

However ever since Elisia had started hanging out with Cameron, who given that she wasn't allowed to speak to Hailey and Rowan, was really the only person hung out with.

Given the amount of time they spent together, he had rubbed off on her and for the past two weeks she hadn't missed a single class. Teachers said that Cameron was rubbing off on her and every time it was said, Elisia wanted to throw Cameron out a window for the smug smirk that formed on his face.

"So?" What's wrong with that?" she demanded.

"There's nothing wrong with wearing it," he paused and then continued, "It's not a bad thing to wear something of a lost love one."

She shot him a blank look, but he could tell by the way her nose ring moved that she was breathy heavily through her nose. He didn't know a lot about her, but he knew that when she started breathy hard through her nose, she was getting angry.

"Look," she snapped, her eyes almost as dark as her nail polish, "I've asked you to stop bringing up Ash, just because I'm wearing his shirt doesn't mean anything."

Cameron raised his hands in defeat, "Okay fine, I won't bring him up again," he glanced at his phone and saw the text message that his dad had just sent. He looked up at Elisia again, "Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? We're having fried Chicken, fries and vegetables."

Elisia sighed. This wasn't the first time she had been invited to dinner and each time she turned down the invitation, not because she didn't want to, it was because she was still haunted by Ash's presence and she hadn't been able to let go yet.

"I'm not hungry," she said, hoping he'd buy it. Unfortunately her stomach didn't want to cooperate with her as it let out a loud growl.

She looked sheepishly up at Cameron who had a smirk tugging on his lips, "Look I have to make a stop first," he said, "think about it until then and if you still don't want to go I'll drive you back to your place."

She sighed and nodded, but deep down she knew that no matter how much she would think about it the answer was still going to be know.

Still though, she had started to really like spending time with Cameron and she really didn't wanted to spend more time then she had to alone at 'The Grotto' so she agreed and followed him towards his minivan.

////

"What the hell are we doing here?" she asked when Cameron pulled into the cemetery.

He didn't answer and just kept driving.

She huffed and looked out the window, the gravestones came in and out of view. It was a horrible sense of irony, people's lives came in and out of view just like the gravestones.

Sometimes the gravestones were out of sight in the blink of an eye just like the deceased people they belonged to. People like her parents, Cameron's mother and older sister, Nikki and Ash. Lives gone too soon and aside from Cameron's mother and sister, she felt guilty about each one.

"We're here," Cameron said as he stopped the car. He turned towards her, "Come on lets go."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see," he said and began walking.

She huffed and followed behind him.

As the kept walking, Elisia began to recognize surroundings and when she saw Cameron turn towards a tiny headstone, she was pissed.

"I thought I told you to stop brining him up?" she snapped and stormed over to him, her eyes trying to avoid the name and dates on the gravestone.

"You did, but you need to find some closure," he gave her a stern look, almost like one a parent would give a misbehaving child, "I've been where you are and the only way you're going to be able to move forward is to let go."

"How the hell am I supposed to let go of him? He loved me, he kept me from falling apart," she face grew red and her breathing was heavy.

"You don't have to forget him, he'll always be with you but you have to say goodbye, you can't let him hold you back, you can't let his presence haunt you and hold you back," Cameron's voice was calm and yet the firmness in it somehow got through to her, "He's dead Elisia, he's gone and you need to accept that to move forward, to live life."

Her pale face was flushed, her nose ring moved as she breathed heavily through her tiny nose. "I really want to hit you right now," she said.

"Look at least try it and if it doesn't work then by all means hit me," Cameron said and gestured to the grave, "Go talk to him, I'll wait by the car."

Slowly Elisia made her way towards the grave. Her converses made a crunch as they stepped on the light layer of frost along the grass.

After what seemed like hours, she got to his grave. She knelt down beside it and slowly started to speak.

"You know, I think you told me once that when you died you wanted to be thrown into the ocean," she laughed, "Guess I messed that part of your life up to."

She waited for a response and didn't get one.

"I don't know why I'm doing this. Cameron said it would help, you'd hate him by the way. He's one of those boys whose well rounded. You know, good home, smart, sweet and so well...not you."

She felt her tear ducks welling up and blinked away any tears. The last thing she needed right now was for her makeup to start running.

"I'm not saying I like him, I mean he's kinda hot but I don't know if I'm ready yet. No one will ever replace you Ash, I hope you know that. You were my first love and I'll always be grateful for the time we had together. I know what we had was far from perfect and I'm partly to blame for that, but you were no peach either.

She sucked in a deep breath, "I do miss you okay. I think about you every day and you were with me through some really hard crap. You saved me from Monkey man and you loved me and made me feel loved. You were my sunshine and like a sunshine you brought light into my light, but your light has faded and right now I'm ready to accept that. I need to find light in my life again okay? So you don't need to be following me around anymore or appearing in my dreams or being beside me all the time."

"I can't do this anymore Ash, I need to move on and I can't do that with you haunting me. I love you, and part of me will always love you, but I need to move forward," she stood up, "I love you Ash and you were my sunshine but I have to go okay, I need to go okay? I promise that I'll never forget you, part of me will always love you."

She turned and walked away, "Goodbye Sunshine," she whispered and then she ran towards the van, trying not to let the tears fall.

She saw Cameron open his mouth, but she shook her head and held up her hand, "Please don't give me sympathy, I'm okay, I just need...I need to...eat."

"I was just going to say that I turned the heat off in the van so it might be a little cold," Cameron said, a slight smile of his face.

"Oh," she said and then looked at him with a tiny blush on her face, "Is the invitation for dinner still open?"

He smiled, "Of course it is, my dad called while he was out, he wanted us to pick up a couple things for dinner anyways, so we'll go to the grocery store and then head to my house, sound good?"

She nodded, "Yeah that sound great," she smiled at him, "Thank you for this."

"You're welcome," he said and smiled at her.

A minute later, the van was driving out of the cemetery and onto the road.

Elisia felt different the she had when they arrived. She felt like a weight been lifted off her shoulders, she felt free and now she felt like she could breathe again, she could finally move forward.