what concoction is deadlier than half past 3 in the morning and tears in your eyes as your brain unwillingly reminisces memories of a simpler times before?
how heavy is the weight in your heart when it realises it's been 9 months since you last spoke?
did you let yourself be hopeful that after 6 months of radio silence that you'd ever hear back from them just because you texted 'happy birthday'?
it's a hard pill to swallow but nobody has an obligation to explain themselves as to why they left and they are well in their right to get up and leave if they damn well please.
but it dosen't make it hurt any less.
I guess I saw it coming, huh?
what goes around comes around and it was about time that it came full circle and threw me into a pit of isolation as it took all of the people that have ever cared for me and left me banging on a screen glass door as i'm only seen but never heard.
my eyes dart through all the familiar faces that once held so much worry for me but now just look right past me.
on my right I see the judgemental eyes of the women who raised and cared for me since I was young but now glare at the empty space unbeknownst to me for what it represented.
they see me as a lost cause, a girl who they've assumed have been taken in and cared for by another set of aunts and another person who I have to legally call my mum, which can only be far from the truth.
far back in the shadows of my peripheral vision I see a crowd of bodies who have gathered to see the show,
they seem to be able to see me as my knees touch the cold linoleum floor, trying to shield the ruins apparent on my face but failing in doing so.
this crowd,
I can hear them laugh and point,
I cannot see their faces but like cats their eyes glowed, unforgiving and harsh stares darted to all sides of me like they want to devour me whole.
they know I am not one of them.
I reach out to the glass to grab their attention, to show that there is more to me beyond the white walls they see
but it was too late.
I move my eyes towards another figure and as she steps into the light, I see her-
tears branding her cheeks like the sadness owned her but her face but a beautiful sight no less.
I believes she sees me through the screen glass because her pretty eyes betray her by, even if only for a millisecond, meeting mine before staring off into the white distance.
I don't try to get her to acknowledge my presence as I did before and I simply observe her from where I kneeled on the cold hard floor.
I have hurt her in the past,
and I know i'd hurt her even more,
so when I see arms snake out of nowhere from the darkness and secure their rightful place around her waist,
I get off my knees and walk away.
The third one steps out,
and I barely recognise him.
This one will hurt the most.
As close as I could to the glass, I examine what I saw as he was the only person I could clearly see from the darkness that loomed.
Before me I still see the jagged ends of hair from 9 months ago where the tips of my scissored danced,
I can still see the green warm hues of the flannel I gave.
The person who's been there through thick and thin,
the person I last expected to leave my side.
I still see the lingering smile given to me,
for the last time 9 months ago,
when we said we'd see each other again,
and it's been radio silence from then on.
07:57
24/7/18
