Fools

Chapter 3 - Down the rabbit hole

September 2019

The clock on the nightstand showed 3am. The time of day where most of the population was asleep in their beds. The time of day V usually would be asleep as well, the dreamworld taking him away as soon as he lay his head on a pillow.
But this was not the case today. For the last hour V had been tossing and turning and couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position. Either the room was too hot or too cold or the pillow was too flat or to bumpy.
Next to V, Caederyn started snoring, oblivious to the struggles of his roommate a bed over, a constant noise echoing from the walls, loud enough to drain out the pitter patter of the rain against the windowpane.
Frustrated V sat up and rubbed his eyes. This was no use. He kicked the blanket off of his legs and slipped out of the room.
Once outside, V could now clearly hear the summer storm; the wind hauling through an open window, the water dripping against the stone walls. It swallowed the silence of the night and played a song only for him.
V walked towards the kitchen. A cup of tea would help. He filled the water heater, pressed the button and sat down on one of the high chairs, placing his head on his arms and waited.
His head was heavy and he was defiantly tired. They had arrived in Buenos Aires a few hours ago and had had an extensive dance practice. At that point V had felt like he could have already fallen asleep, but once he had been able to lie in bed, he had been wide awake.
At the sound of the distinct click of the heater turning off, V got himself a mug out of the cupboard and poured the hot water over a teabag. The smell of chamomile filled the kitchen and V moved over to the couch.
Snuggling into a blanket, he sat the mug down and zapped through the television. At this time of day, all that was showing were old movies and really weird reality shows. Finally he settled for a black and white drama, turned the volume off and listened to the rain instead.
His bracelet rattled against the mug when he picked it back up and he started to play with the almost transparent stones. If he moved them in the right angle the light of the tv threw a rainbow on his hand.
The past week had flown by. Their schedules had been packed from 7am to 12pm, sleeping and eating the only times they were able to catch a breath.
Concerts, interviews, fan meetings and repeat.
A few hours ago had been the first time V had been truly alone. While he had waited for Caederyn to come back to the room, he had scrolled through his news feed.
Almost every second post had been about V – either congratulating him on his birthday or some theory about how he had spend it. The posts had all been so sweet. The support they all received from their fans sometimes was the only thing keeping them going.
The company's staff often warned the group members not to spend too much time online, reading the comments. But they had never listened to that advice. Of course it hurt when they read hate comments or even death threats, but those were only a small part of the internet. All the love they received from their fans was worth it.
There were posts with incredible fan art or beautifully written poems. Sometimes the group also read fanfictions about one or more of the members which took place in alternative realities. The funniest posts though were memes showcasing the various expressions the friends had had during interviews, tv shows or concerts.
V especially loved reading all the crazy fan theories about their music videos. The fans often posted videos of elaborate breakdowns of every single scene and wrote their thoughts about it. They always noticed every small detail, whether it was in the music videos or the habits of the group when they were filmed.
A video clip had suddenly sparked V’s interest and he had stopped scrolling. The title underneath read “V staring at Angel" and it showed a summarized version of an interview the group had given a few weeks ago.
V watched it once and then watched it again. The whole video showed V continuously glancing at Angel. It didn’t matter whether Angel spoke or not, somehow V hadn't been able to keep his eyes off of him.
At the end of the video there was only one sentence:  "I wish someone would look at me like V looks at Angel.”
V had paused the video, the meaning of the sentence sinking in. This hadn't been the first time though he read a comment like it. The boys were all very close and some fans loved posting theories about ships and dating rumors. Any other day, V would have simply continued scrolling and ignored it.
But V had been reminded of his brief conversation with Daemean on his birthday. Or rather spacing out during it - while staring at Angel. And he hadn't been able to get it of his mind for the last hours.
V focused on the bracelet on his wrist. He had worn it every day.
But he also carried around a lucky charm he had once received from Shane and Spice and him wore matching necklaces all the time.
There was nothing weird about wearing the gift.
This is what friends do, V thought.
So what if he watched Angel or enjoyed his company? He did the same with all the members.
Why was he suddenly over thinking his actions?
He should just go back to bed and get some well-deserved rest. He was just sleep deprived.
But if there was nothing weird about his behavior, why was V suddenly feeling nervous?
Sitting alone in the dark, the rain pattering outside, and the moonstones between his fingers, V decided to be honest.
His birthday had not been the first time he had caught himself thinking about Angel.
V had only one logical explanation for the growing pit in his stomach.
Defeated he let his head fall forward.
I am going to destroy everything, he thought, finally accepting that his worst fear had become a reality.