I'm at this point in my life, where I'm not necessarily a full fledge adult, but I'm not a child anymore. Even though I always was much more mature than my peers. I never really knew just how much my peers fucked me up when I was 12. But harassment has long lasting effects. And even though it's six years later, I'm still hurting from what I went through. At first I thought the only lasting effect from the harassment was my intimacy and trust issues. It's hard for me to trust people and I can't be intimate with someone if I don't trust them. That's just how I am, no shame or hate towards anyone who may think differently than myself. But as I've been able to grow and deal with some of my trauma, I'm realizing how much sexual harassment has messed with my mind, my psychology, my health, and ultimately my life. Being harassed changed the way I viewed myself. I lost a lot of self confidence and retreated back into myself. I stopped trying to make friends because I lost a lot of my self worth. I viewed myself as less than human. Because the people who harassed me saw me only for my body, not for the person that I was. I started to hate my body. I've only just recently been able to walk around in public in shorts and a sleeveless shirt. I still can't wear skirts or dresses unless I have tights on. I've only now been able to wear brighter colored clothes instead of just black and grey. I wore dark colors so I could blend into a crowd, so people wouldn't notice me. Because in my mind it was still my fault for what happened. If only those boys didn't notice me then maybe I wouldn't have been abused. But that argument it utter bullshit. Because at the end of the day, I'm not to blame for the actions of another human being.
