Love Or Liberation

Chapter 10

Elaine went back to her room. Her roommate wasn't back yet. Elaine figured that her roommate had gone to the protest outside of the Hilton Hotel. Maybe the protesters would go for drinks later. Elaine didn't have much faith in what the protests could do. Besides that, she had an aversion to conflict. She sat down at her desk and looked at her textbooks and notebooks. She had some studying to do, but she no longer yearned for the degree from Barnard and Columbia.

Elaine just sat and stared at her books for a while. The idea of a "scholar" had only good things associated with it in her mind before this night, but here she was in an institution to make scholars and the school was complicit in the war. The war was her idea of evil. How could she repudiate the university while also working to earn it's degree? She felt like a hypocrite. She sighed and opened a book. Usually she had no trouble concentrating, but the SDS meeting kept going through her head.

In her mind, the university also wasn't respectful to the neighborhood it was located in. The people involved with SDS seemed sincere, and she felt good about tutoring a child, but she didn't want to be associated with the rest of the university community.

Then there was Jack. Elaine had never been so attracted to anyone, yet his values were at complete odds with her own. He was interested in money and status. He didn't seem to care about the war. He was against the political activism of SDS. She thought that he was possibly unaware of what SDS was trying to communicate. She couldn't understand how anyone could be against a more egalitarian society. Even though she had fallen in love with him, she didn't want to feel attached to him.

She felt like the university and Jack were tainting her. She was used to thinking of herself as a good person. Now she could not.

Elaine looked around the room. There was nothing keeping her there but her own free choice. She could follow her conscience. She could catch a train back to Scarsdale that night and be home before morning. She could do something else with her life. She didn't know what. Her parents had always supported her in her decisions, and they may even have ideas for her. She went out to call her parents on the pay phone in the hall, but there was no answer. They must have gone out for a movie or something.

With her relief at having made the decision to leave, Elaine found she was hungry, really hungry. She unwrapped her Cuban sandwich and ate it. It really was as good as Benjamin said it would be, but it was salty and she didn't have anything to drink with it. She'd get a soda on her way out. She quickly packed her clothes and linens. There was no reason to pack her textbooks and notebooks. She didn't think of the fact that some of the textbooks could be sold back to the bookstore after the semester was over.

Elaine bundled up and walked to the subway, carrying her luggage with some difficulty. She had plenty of time to make the ten o'clock Metro North train to Scarsdale. It seemed like a long subway ride, though, and she had to change to another line to get from Times Square to Grand Central. Her throat was parched. She just looked forward to having something to drink and had vague, pleasant feelings about going home.

Elaine bought a soda at a stand in Grand Central station. Then she got into line for a ticket and drank the soda while she was waiting. It felt refreshing, but as soon as her thirst was quenched, she remembered what had led her to go home. She couldn't get over her disappointment with Columbia University. She wondered whether her parents would understand why it was so urgent for her to leave Barnard and if they would support her as they usually did. Her college education was important to them. She knew that.

After she bought her ticket, Elaine went downstairs to the waiting train. The car wasn't empty, but it was clearly not rush hour. For once, she didn't have anything with her to read during the train ride. She sat next to a window. There wouldn't be much to look at as it was dark outside and the lights were on in the train car. Her mind went over what she had heard today about Columbia University. She thought about dropping out of college. She didn't know what she would do. Maybe she could become a department store clerk, or maybe she could go to another school. Even though she felt anxious about their reaction, Elaine looked forward to seeing her parents and finding out what they had to say.

It occurred to Elaine that she was supposed to tutor the struggling child. She decided she could go back into the city to do that twice a week, at least until the end of the semester. The university would probably assign another student for the next semester.

The train finally closed its doors and started. The train car was warm and she took off her coat and scarf. Then she sat back down and her thoughts went around in circles. The next thing she knew, the train was approaching Crestwood, the stop before Scarsdale. Elaine put her coat, scarf, hat and gloves back on in time for the Scarsdale stop.

Elaine went to a pay phone near the platform, took off a glove and dug into her purse for a dime. The air felt bitingly cold. She called home. Her mother answered.

"Hi, Mom, I'm at the train station."

"At the train station? What train station?"

"The Scarsdale train station. I've come home. I tried to call you before I left, but there was no answer."

"But it is the middle of the school semester! Why are you coming home now?"

"Please just pick me up. I'll explain when I get home."