Love Or Liberation

Chapter 15

During the winter break between the fall and spring semesters, Elaine started to read The Second Sex. She found she needed a good French to English dictionary and then a good English language dictionary. She had unabridged versions of both dictionaries in her bedroom in her parents' house and needed to consult the dictionaries frequently. She was shocked by what she read and wanted to talk to someone about it. Her mother was in the living room, watching a game show on television and doing some needlepoint.

When Elaine came into the room, her mother said, "Why don't you turn off the TV? We could talk. Since you've been away to college, you must have new things on your mind. It would be nice to catch up."

Elaine turned off the television and sat down in a cushioned chair at an angle from her mother, who was sitting on the sofa.

Elaine said, "Not all people are like we are. I feel respected like a full human being at home, but some young men at Columbia College don't give Barnard young women credit for their intelligence. I'm reading a book about that attitude and it says it is ingrained in our society, but society doesn't have to be that way."

Her mother said, "That is something I always appreciated in your father. He was always respectful and treated me like an equal. We have an unusual and very special relationship. I guess that is as unusual now as it was when I met your father. What else does the book say?"

Elaine looked down, folded her hands on her lap and said, "I'm reading it in French and some of it is really difficult. The introduction I could mostly understand. What stood out for me was that women have historically not been treated as adults. There was one line in the book that stated that in sixteenth century Europe, married women were considered to be animals under the control of their husbands, while unmarried women were assumed to be able to handle their own business. It makes me think twice about the idea of getting married."

Elaine raised her head back up and looked questioningly at her mother.

Her mother said, "Don't rule marriage out. You might meet the right person if you are open to it. Marriage can be a wonderful thing, and there are men who will not only be respectful, but encourage you to be strong and independent minded." She cut a piece of thread and pulled out another color, re-threaded the needle and began stitching again.

Elaine hesitated, unclasped her hands and folded them again and said, "I've been seeing someone named Jack. I feel a strong attachment to him when he puts his arm around my shoulders, but I wonder if he puts his arm around me because he sees me as an object to possess. He does most of the talking. I don't agree with his values, but I say very little most of the time. Maybe it is only his own perspective that matters to him and that he expects to matter to the world. He insisted on seeing The Taming Of The Shrew. That now seems significant to me. If he married, he'd be the absolute head of the household. I know I could not abide in those circumstances."

Elaine's mother looked up from her needlepoint and said, "It's good that you are getting to know other people. He doesn't sound like the right person for you to marry, but it is good experience. You don't have to be serious about the men you date now. Don't continue to see him if he makes you feel like less of a person, though."

Elaine nodded. "That's what I've been thinking. I think my friend Donna was right when she said Jack would eventually either reject me or want to get married. I know I wouldn't be happy in marriage to Jack."

"That's good for you to know, before you get serious. You said that you understood the introduction of the book. It sounds like a lot was said there. Have you read further?"

Elaine looked at the back of one of her hands. "I started to read the chapter on biology, but I found it hard to make sense of it. I started trying to make a written English translation, referring to my dictionaries, but I finally gave up. Before I gave up, I got the sense that things are as they are, but that is not necessarily destiny. I wasn't sure of that either. I went on to the chapter on psychoanalysis, which interested me more to begin with."

Her mother looked surprised. "Are you thinking of going into psychoanalysis or becoming a psychologist?"

Elaine chuckled and said, "No, but I took a course last semester on psychology, so I was familiar with Freud and Adler and Jung. In the chapter I read in The Second Sex, de Beauvoir contests the psychoanalysts, saying they leave out the power of choice. An especially interesting line was that the truth in psychoanalysis only exists within an historical context. A girl's psychology is what it is because of the circumstances she was raised in, and those circumstances could be different."

"What are you talking about? What circumstances?"

Elaine looked earnestly at her mother. "The way most girls are brought up. The Electra complex and the feelings of inferiority to boys and men. I wonder if you brought me up differently from what de Beauvoir described, though. I never felt inferior for being a girl."

Elaine's mother looked into Elaine's eyes.

"And you shouldn't feel inferior. Being a woman is a blessing."

"You also weren't less of an authority to me than Dad. You were always active in the community. You organized fundraisers for several organizations, and if you had needed to make a living there is no questioning if you would have been able to."

"I think I am privileged and want to give to society. Besides, I can't sit still and do nothing or just housework."

Elaine smiled at her mother. "I admire that about you. Also, I was always encouraged to learn. I probably prize my intellect and opportunities to develop it more than anything. Ironically, I only encountered an attitude that I wasn't an intellectual person at Columbia University, where the guys often didn't consider my major important, or as my friend Donna pointed out, women were not considered leaders, or where Jack would insist on taking me to see The Taming of The Shrew, and then expressing agreement with it."

Elaine's mother pursed her lips. "I'm sorry you have had to deal with that kind of attitude at the university. It is good that you are aware of it, though, and better prepared to deal with it in the world. Has what you've read changed your own attitude?"

Elaine nodded. "I want to be sure that I make my own life choices, in good faith. I don't want to marry if it means submitting to male supremacy. I want to have a meaningful career. Maybe it is possible to marry and retain maintain my rights as a full human being, but in order for that to happen, I want to establish my career first, and be careful that I choose a partner who will not objectify me."

Elaine's mother smiled. "That's a good attitude to have. In the mean time, the important thing for you is to focus on your studies."

"Yes that's what I intend to do."