Wreckage

Prologue

March 18 2013

'Twas a beautiful gloomy grey morning. Trees had been stripped of their greenery for the winter and everyone struggled to stay warm in their uniforms (which by the way,were far more than inadequate against the cold). The grey sky darkened. But there we stood. The clouds above were gathering and there we stood. The thunder boomed and there we stood. The wind picked up and the lightning threatened. There, we stood. Once, two lovers who were able to communicate with barely a single loving glance and who could not be separated from one another even should both their lives depend on it. Now? We stood worlds apart. Two ordinary people in the middle of a school courtyard with only silence to fill the void that had abruptly opened between them. Even though the courtyard was teeming with hungry students eating their lunches or laughing in groups at some other crowd, I don't think I've ever felt more isolated. He never stuttered on a single syllable when the words left his mouth and yet, it took me a good ten minutes to fully grasp the true weight of what those words actually meant. It hit me then and suddenly I gasped for air as I quickly realised that the sheer shock of his intentions had caused me to forget to breathe. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed filling my lungs with oxygen proved impossible with each intake of air. The agony hadn't sunk in yet, but reality is cruel and it reaches you before the pain does. Therefore I became fully aware of what was to ensue.

"But why? What did I do to you?" I begged him.

I need this closure! This can't be happening. Not now. Not him. Please not him. Not my Derek. No.

"It's not you, it's me," he lied.

For fuck's sake. Is he serious right now?

"Please don't lie to me. I deserve better than that, Derek."

I'd given up on caring about my running eye make up. I've shed far too many tears by now to even comprehend at which point the crying started.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I just want to bring you the least amount of pain as possible. What we had, Blaise - it really was special. I don't think anyone's ever been able to make me as happy as you have these past few months. It's just - "

"Just what? Just that you've found someone else? Someone better? Just that I'm not good enough for you? But that can't be right because you just said I make you happier than anyone else ever has. So what am I not getting here? Please don't leave me. I will always make you happy. I promise," I cried out.

I felt everything. All at once I was angry and sad and scared and desperate.

He took my face in his hands. His beautiful brown eyes met mine with a pitiful sorrow that ran so deep I was amazed it was never there before.

"There is no one else. Not yet anyway. But I'm hoping there will be one day. B, I do love you, okay? Really, I do. The thing is though, as much as I love you, we aren't right for each other, and that sucks to hear. I know, but it's the truth. To be perfectly honest, you aren't the girl I see myself spending the rest of my life with. I mean let's be honest here, B. I want kids; you don't. I want to get married one day. You don't. I want to stay here in New Zealand for as long as I can. You don't. I'm sorry, B."

"I want us to stay together you don't. I get it. We're too different to maintain a successful relationship. Our paths aren't heading in the same direction so out future would obviously be difficult. I understand now, thank you for the explanation. But you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for not even trying! Fuck you for not wanting to try! You never loved me! If that was true you would at least attempt to stay with me. You don't know what love is. You stupid asshole. Go ahead and do it. Break up with me. I hope it makes you happy to watch me fall apart because that's what you really want, isn't it? To break my heart? To hurt me beyond the point of repair?"

"B, don't be like that. You know I don't want to see you in pain," he said in futile response.

I held my hand up to stop him from saying any more.

"Save it. I don't ever want to speak to you again. Oh and for the record, I don't want to get married because after witnessing the brutality of my own parents' divorce, I am terrified of a crumbling marriage; and the reason why I don't want kids is because I do not wish to bring a child into the harsh reality of this world and this society. Go fuck yourself, Derek, and know that from this day forth, there will be no one I will ever hate more than you!"

I spat out my words before the internal screaming started and I ran away. I ran as far as my legs could take me. I ran as far and as fast as possible. Until finally, I could run no more.

I find myself catching my breath in the shade of a familiar tree canopy on a muddy green hill not far from home. There was no way I could go into class after that. So I ran here and I sat here and I cried my heart out. Right here on this very spot where we first kissed. Where our love truly began for me is where it shall truly end.

The grey sky is darkening which means nightfall isn't far off. I suppose heading home is inevitable.