My Christian Love Story

Chapter 3 "Real Counterfeit Love"

            Buckle up, bout to be a long chapter. Keep in mind I'm 14 now. We'll call him Derrick, where do I begin? We ran in the same Christian circles, meaning our parents had a lot of mutual friends. So almost every event that happened in our city that I can remember, even though we didn't know each other, we were both at. It was at a concert, when we first met. I remember he came up to me after with a pen and a piece of paper asking me for my Facebook name. So old school romantic, but I loved it. Oh how I wish I never gave it to him. Anyway I gave it to him, he messaged me and we hit it off. Derrick's a Christian and wanted to please God without me having to impose it on him so that made me like him even more. We used to pray for each other, went to the same Christian summer camp and it was amazing. He used to check on me without me having to ask, told me he loved me and that I'm so beautiful every chance he got. A couple months in I thought honestly this was my husband. 

           I remember a Sunday after camp he messaged me and said he got a word (word meaning, a leader gave him some prophetic words about his Christian walk and his future) that I was going to be his wife one day. Was all a lie. His native tongue back then was lie, I could never fully believe him. We started to encounter some problems because I started to believe some rumors. He saw me and my ex talking in a parade and the fact that we barely saw each other and barely talked and some other things amounted to this hard season we were facing. I could remember a time that he jumped over and walked on a ledge at a local ice-cream parlor, threatening that he was going to jump if I didn't speak to him. I was so scared I ran home. I spent a good amount of money on a Cuban link bracelet as his anniversary present. He bought me a gold ring with a white diamond stone that I had to give back because it fit too big. But I fell in love with him. Everybody told me to leave him alone because he was no good including Carson who was still in the background. But honey, I was in love so I couldn't hear no wrong about him.

         Now Jonah is introduced. He was like my safe haven from all the drama Derrick and I had. He was my best friend. I was given an ultimatum to choose between Derrick and Jonah and I stupidly and haphazardly chose Derrick. Jonah said he loved me still and that he would still be there for me.

          Derrick was the average teen boy. Not satisfied with 1 girl. He had to have multiple. And he over abused that. He had about 4 others that I knew about. Imagine the ones I didn't discover. He used to threaten me that he would kill himself if I were to ever leave the relationship. Because life meant nothing without me in it he said. And this lie worked for months and months on end to the point where I got so fed up that I told him to drink the bleach ( he said he was going to drink allegedly) like water. Every time I would leave I would have him manipulate me and suck me right back into his trap. It's like there was no way out.

            In the midst of this while me and Derrick were on and off, when were on an off spell, me and Jonah dated for a bit but we parted ways because he was going through a rough time that I rather not go into detail about. He had shared with me that he got some prophetic words that basically said that he couldn't have a girlfriend. Being the God-fearing Christian young lady that I am; I stepped back, I cried my eyes out that night but had to brace up because it would be the first of many trials. About a month later Jonah and my best friend (Carson's sister, that we'll call Melina) began to date. I W A S H U R T ! Words couldn't describe how I felt. My best friend that I just expressed a couple weeks prior how much this breakup in particular hurt and broke me. Then she messages me saying:

Melina: You know I liked Jonah from way back right?

Me: Really? Why?

Melina: We're dating now

My heart sank, and all I could answer was:

Me: I'm happy for you guys.

I wasn't happy truly, but that's all I could say, and it was the politically correct thing to say. When they both asked if I had a problem with it I said "No it's fine" although my heart was screaming NO IT'S NOT OKAY, AND NO I'M NOT FINE WITH IT! They broke up a couple weeks later and internally I was the happiest on the face of this earth but shared sorrow for my best friend.

I distanced myself from Jonah for Melina's sake which was wrong since Jonah was my best friend too and I had promised him I'd never walk out on him. I didn't even invite him to my Sweet Sixteen because I wasn't in right standings with him over what both he and Melina did. Instead of holding both of them accountable, I treated Jonah unfairly and that drew a huge wedge between our friendship. The person that I could be myself around, that never judged me, loved me for who I was flawed and all; I gave him up. I gave up the one my heart truly loves, I let him slip.

Now in my last couple months of high-school (I'm 15 now) me and Derrick ended abruptly and I did not even hear it from him. My mom and I were in the car, and she told me then. My heart sank to the pits of my stomach. She had said that Derrick told his mom that I'm obsessed with him and can't leave him alone. This was a complete and utter lie. Derrick's mom spread that lie to all her friends, even my leaders and they all believed this woman and her son's lies without even asking me. Having my name dragged through the mud. Having my parents feel ashamed of me during this time because of this LIE. I had hit a very low place. I hated him with everything in me. It was so bad we couldn't be in the same place without me having thoughts about running him over, shooting him, stabbing him or poisoning him. Sounds a bit dramatic but trust me he broke me down so bad. 

In Matthew 15: 19-20 it says "For out of the heart comes evil thoughts – murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands doesn't defile them." The hate I had in my heart for him was defiling me. I never truly got the closure I wanted from my once future husband. His mom later on told me that he's forgiven me too, for I don't know what but it was basically squashed there when I let go and forgave him in March without any closure or without doing it to please anybody. God let me know that, that hate was a huge hindrance for me. He could have never used me if I didn't come as a new and changed vessel with pure thoughts and a clean and trying heart. So I forgave him in my heart for my benefit. 

He was truly a master of disguise, what I thought was my soul mate and when I thought I had really found true love, I had settled for what I call a "Real Counterfeit". I believed it was real and true but it was fake from the start. 

During this time I tried to find refuge not in God as I should've as a Christian but in boys. Like haven't I learned my lesson? I met Dane and I won't go into detail but it was the typical way things ended with boys I messed with outside my city and not equally yoked (of the same values and morals) with me. They left for someone closer and someone they can enjoy their teen life with. Meaning they could go drink and party. So Dane and I went our separate ways. And then I began college.