Crush

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by strsbyplrtg

by strsbyplrtg

There it goes again
Waking up to the sound
Made by apathetic streets
Filled by more apathetic men
They keep reminding me that
The world never yields
Nor does it care for people
Who dare defy all the laws
Unwritten by physics and God
Yet, as effortless as the wind
kissing my face - unappreciated
You made my world
Stop

The first touch, an introduction:
For 3 months, glances were enough
Until you shook my hand
You told me, I felt
Like the marshmallows you used
To eat with your mother
When you used to be with her
White, soft, and puffy
Sweet to taste, your purest joy
Harmless yet irresponsible, I thought
To set me free with your words
Turning arms into featherless wings
Unafraid of gravity - of falling

The first argument, my name:
"How come everyone knows
it's Yo-han-na, not Jo-an-na,
except you. It's been a year
Already," I said. You said, "Trust
me, I know. It's just I want you
to be Joanna only to me."
Though subtle, I understood
Why in your absence
every inch of me aches
Because you weren't always there
To begin with, in your seat
For most days of the week

The first gift, a promise:
Junior year, another Valentine's
spent apart (still, you had my heart)
I received 3 scented glass roses with
two strips of paper for each, telling:
"If you're wondering why I'm so cheap
or why the ratio's two-to-one...
Always remember this Joan, keep them
for as long as you can and if -
The BIG if - I could live twice,
I hope to love you in my next life."
Unsigned, unnamed, but I knew
It could only be you

The first and the last time
Intimacy reared its head
Graduation day, you didn't march
Party night, I had too much
Of beer for the first time
Other boys were dancing around me
Fists in the air, celebrating the end
We were all ready to take on the world
And I saved myself for you then
Until my stilettos were gone,
Alone in a bathroom, retching
Puking everywhere, longing
Then out of nowhere, you

held my hair, whispering,
"It's okay." It's okay
You called me Joanna
Or Joan, and made me yours
You loved my disgusting scent
Of vomit and fear
You took my marshmallow wings
For a breath of fresh air
And instead of a tight embrace
You chose to walk with me by your side
Silently, until I was in my room
where you left me alone, to sleep
Still, you didn't say anything

There it goes again
Waking up to dreams
About church bells ringing
And a pair of doves flying
And wedding rings dropping
To the ground
Did you too make a sound?
Last night, when you jumped off
Unafraid of gravity - of falling
Of hitting concrete
Did I also give you wings?
God! You should have not
put me first
before you

Funny how 'crush'
Could simply mean you
Or your poor bones on impact
Or the feeling of being left
Alone, crushed under guilt
Alone, was I the one responsible?
Alone, I am
Along an apathetic street
looking at the white lines of chalk
Drawn over oxidized pools of brown
"It's okay, John."
I'll wait for your next life.
Please, come.